Not Even Twenty Percent
by Scottea
Summary: One officer's future depends on three different points of view. Thanks to Paramount for letting my play with their characters.
1. Chapter 1

"You wanna check past this point one of you has to get past not only the guards but also me." The solidly build Chief of Security looked down at Captain Kirk. "Our tenants pay for and expect their privacy and possessions to be protected."

While Kirk knew that there was no mistaking that Spock was in that wing of the station's main hotel he also knew that this was a neutral planet and that they had no authority here.. Kirk looked at Doctor McCoy and knew that they could not take on the six guards that were beyond the man blocking their way as well as the man himself. As they turned and walked away the man laughed, "Kirk, I'll make you my standard deal for all those who may or may not have lost something and believe it to be here. If you find **one** man, one man from your crew, who can get past us I will personally open each and every unit and room in this sector for you so you will not be in violation of any order. If **one** of your crew can disable us without use of any weapon but their own body then I will look the other way should you find what you are looking for and remove it." The man laughed at the expression on both Kirk's and McCoy's faces, "Hell, I'll even destroy all evidence of you and what you are looking for was even ever here should you find **one** officer who can do that."

Everything in him was willing him to fight himself but he looked at the seven behemoths between him and the main hall they wanted to go down. A hand touched his arm and he heard McCoy's voice, "There is no way any one man could get past those, those titans. Losing Spock is bad enough I, we **could not** stand losing **the two of you**."

As Kirk had slowly turned away the man had called out, "You know where to find me, Kirk, should you find such a **victim** for me."

Through the muscular movement McCoy felt under his hand he knew his friend and Captain was only just controlling his fury at being so helpless. He gripped tighter, "We have a ship to get back to, Captain."

Kirk seemed to fight himself to get back into control of his emotions and even then McCoy knew it was only a thin veneer of control. As they materialized in the Transporter Room McCoy turned Kirk so the man had to look at him. "Now Spock might have had a chance to take on some of them but you saw the build of that man, saw how the others were not far behind him in build. Face it, Jim, to take them all on, especially that man, is beyond even that Vulcan **strength**." As McCoy stood in front of Kirk he again saw the rage his friend had been barely controlling since Spock's blooded uniform and communicator had been beamed up without him. In all the years he had known the man he could not recall ever seeing him like this.

For some time Kirk was quiet, worryingly quiet, as they walked out into the corridor then he slammed his hand against the wall and turned to face McCoy, " **Think** I don't know that, Bones? **Think** I don't know that whoever has him clearly injured him and most likely has him drugged or restrained or both and somewhere in that wing?. **Think** I don't know that this is a **neutral planet** and whoever has him could easily have arranged to **sell him to the Klingons or Romulans**? There has,"

An officer the Enterprise's captain knew he had seen sparring with Spock occasionally came up to them as they passed the main recreation area on their way from the Transporter Room.

"Excuse me, Sir, but some of the crew are wondering how much longer they will have leave here? With what's happened they are keen to leave unless there is some form of action,"

Something about the almost casual way the man asked liberated what had been building in him and Kirk suddenly lashed out and savagely grabbed the officer's arm, slammed him hard against a wall and all but spat in his face, " **What the hell is wrong with you**? And with them? I made it perfectly clear that we ship out at sixteen hundred as per our orders. I clearly stated that there were to be no excuses, no heroics, and no exceptions. This is a neutral planet so no action can be taken to get Mr Spock from that wing of," he stopped himself, looked at the officer, at how his hands were gripping the man's arms, and realized what he had said and done before slowly releasing him, "I'm sorry. We ship out in three standard hours."

"Yes, Sir."

After the officer had walked away McCoy had looked at him, "You do realize he could not only have you charged with assault but also that he could have easily pinned you as we've both seen him occasionally pin Spock?"

Kirk nodded as he looked at his friend, "I know that but," an image of the man's face flashed before him, "but I saw it in his eyes, I saw that he understood." he allowed himself to half-smile, "He's the one Spock used to say was even more stubborn than I am about not yielding when we sparred, isn't he?"

"That's the one. Warren Ronat, an officer with four areas of expertise and a medical file full of the results of fool-hearty escapades." McCoy placed a hand on the arm of his friend and gave a gentle squeeze, "At least neither you nor Spock ever had to assist the other to Sick Bay after sparring with each other. At least you would stop sparring before you simply could not move."

"Yeah, Spock told me that he did not know when to quit." momentarily Kirk closed his eyes then shook his head. "I'll apologise to him later. We better get back to the bridge and get ready to leave." the doctor looked at his friend and captain and knew how much it was hurting, no, how it was crucifying, the man to leave behind his closest friend.

They had scanned the planet when Spock first went missing and pinpointed his location to that wing but had no way to beam him out because of the special shielding around the planet as well as it being a neutral planet. They had their orders. They had the Prime Directive. He had seen Jim Kirk in many situations before where they thought Spock lost but this, this was different and was destroying him. This time they knew they had lost him. For now he knew Kirk was going by training, training and duty but the years of friendship they shared let the doctor know that behind that mask of duty was the burning rage at the senseless loss of a friend in this manner. He was aware he was walking with a volcano of controlled raw and very negative emotions. He would have to stick close to James Kirk for when that mask finally shattered, as it would, as he would have to be the one to keep the cauldron fueled by helplessness and pain from destroying the man when that control finally snapped and totally shattered the man.

Back on the bridge of the Enterprise Kirk had paced around for a few minutes, walking from station to station yet avoiding the Science Station. It didn't feel right. The bridge, the ship, nothing felt right. He refused to look at the main screen, at that damned planet, Finally he forced himself to sit in the command chair and knew he had to try to get into routine for the sake of his crew and the Federation. For just a moment he took a deep breath and closed his eyes and recalled the calming ways Spock had taught him over the years. Slowly he felt the calmness settle on him and followed procedure by asking for the ship's status and verification that all crew were aboard one standard hour before their due departure.

"The ship is ready for your command, Sir."

"Only two missing, Sir. Attempts are being made to locate the second officer missing."

A second officer missing? Kirk shifted in his chair as he knew most of the crew had some much needed time on the planet. They had had thirty-six standard hours. He had things to take to the governing council, McCoy was keen to see their medical center, and Spock had heard of some unusual cultural symbols he wanted to see. It was obvious that the crew knew that Spock was missing and some had simply accepted it which only worsened Kirk's mood, " **When** , when you find that missing officer, bring him **directly to me**. I made it clear to the **entire crew** that we ship out on time. With or without him we ship out on time. Should he be found he better have a **damned good reason** for this stunt."

McCoy lightly patted Kirk's shoulder then gripped it, "Just hold it together, Captain. I'll be down in Sickbay if you need me."

Kirk took a deep breath and nodded then was aware of McCoy leaving. Hold it together. Only then did he look at the screen before him and at that planet. On that planet was his dearest and closest friend being held against his will, being held captive and there was nothing he could do. Kirk shook his head and looked away. Through their bond he had heard his friend scream out in agony and had almost collapsed, would have if McCoy had not caught him. They had agreed to meet at a set point after their various activities. He and McCoy had met and were talking about it being unusual that Spock, of the three of them, was late when he had felt that pain and knew that Spock would have been blocking the worst. Since then he had felt the presence only occasionally and then it was muted and confused. He had felt the strength of the link while they had talked with the guard. Their sensors had placed Spock in that wing of the hotel. He suddenly slammed his hand down on the arm of the chair, narrowly missing the controls. **Dammit!** They had been so close.

"Message coming from the station for you, Captain." Uhura's voice brought him back to the present.

"On audio."

"Kirk, you might like to return and see if you get your search. Better hurry."

He sat for a few minutes stunned, trying to place the voice then heard the lift doors open and felt a hand pull at this arm and McCoy's voice, "Damned fool. Come on, Jim. We have to go get him."

"Him?"

"That's that titan of a Chief of Security. Guess we've found the other missing officer."

For a moment he was about to ask who but, as he looked into the blue eyes, he knew and knew he had told him too much.

When they arrived the Chief of Security was clearly surprised and shaking his head as though in disbelief then pointed to where two men were fighting and beyond them fie men sitting huddled,, "He's, he's taken out five of my best. They attacked him singly and in pairs and yet he is still fighting. Thought you would like to see how close you actually got to having that search. You know, of all the times I have offered that opportunity for missing officers and personnel to be returned this is the first time anybody has come to fight for what they considered to be theirs."

Kirk looked at his officer and felt a combination of awe, admiration, and curiosity but there, deep in him, was that simmering anger that had flamed briefly before.. The man had deliberately disobeyed orders. The more he looked at the man the more he saw. Officer Ronat was clearly fighting with and by nothing but natural base reaction as he was extensively bruised and blood flowed from his mouth and nose yet did not look away from the man attacking him. Four times the other man picked him up and threw him against the wall or to the floor and yet he kept going back, attacking. As Kirk watched Ronat was again flung to the floor but this time he did not get up nor quickly roll, but just suddenly reached out when his attacker approached, grabbed and twisted his opponent's foot, twisting the leg as he slowly stood, felling the man, still twisting the foot and leg till the man yelled that he yielded.

For a moment Ronat stood still, then sank to sprawl on the floor. The Chief of Security looked at Kirk and laughed, "You can help him to get up off the floor. I prefer to fight an opponent who is standing. Say nothing to him, just help him up if you want."

With McCoy's help he got Ronat onto his feet. Ronat was unsteady for a moment on his feet then got into a half-crouch. The light brown eyes looked at them briefly then over at the Chief of Security and Kirk felt a chill run through him as he had seen no recognition at all in the eyes, only the searching glance of predatory eyes and had felt how the muscles in the arm he was holding flexed, relaxed and flexed again as Ronat saw the Chief of Security. For a moment Kirk wondered if Ronat saw the man as an opponent or, he felt the muscles flex again, as **prey**.


	2. Chapter 2

Kirk noticed how the Chief of Security was clearly stunned with awe as he looked at Ronat, "Competitor, you can stop now and go. You have fought well but you must know I will kill you. You do know you have lost. You know you won't win him."

"Friend. Protect. Serve Fight. For."

The man seemed surprised and nodded at Kirk, "You must be proud to have such a one on your crew, Kirk. The one you seek must mean a great deal to him as surely nobody would have endured this for just a fellow crewmen." The security chief circled and Ronat kept watching him, staying in a half-crouch, turning to face him at all times, "He shows no pain, no weakness, yet they are there. I can see the toll his entire body has paid so far, I can hear it in his breathing and I will use those weaknesses to win. He has shown great tactical skills, great strength, but he has also shown unusual cunning and,"

Suddenly Ronat rushed at the man with his right hand open, before any of them could comprehend what was going on, as was quickly twisting the man's tongue, pulling and twisting it till the man dropped to his knees and furiously indicated that he yielded.

Ronat held the man on his knees by his grip on the man's tongue and looked down at him, "My Captain and Doctor McCoy. . . are going to search each and every room . . . in this wing to find . . . our missing crew member. You will assist and . . . you will, when you find him, once they . . . are clear, totally destroy the accom . . . modation, the unit only, that he was . . . held in. I am sure you know . . . how to make it look like an accident and . . . so that no trace of my, our. . . fellow officer, was ever there?" the man had tried to nod, "Fine. Just know if it is not . . .done, if you do not help in . . . the safe return of my friend and . . . the total destruction of the accommodation I. . . will come back and rip this out . . . of you along with the whole of your digestive . . .tract. Understood?" again the man tried to nod.

Only then did Ronat release the tongue and slowly turn and look at him and Kirk this time saw some recognition in the brown eyes that was clouded by the pain so clear in his voice, "I had to, Sir. He was helping some. . . body obviously hide and most . . . likely hurt my sparring partner . . . and my friend. Nobody. Nobody does that to . . . my friends. I will return to the ship now. You . . . bring him home." McCoy had moved to help him but he held up a hand, "He needs you. You two are his closest . . . friends so take care of him. I'll be . . . on ship."

True to his word the Chief of Security had helped locate Spock. They had found him blindfolded, gagged, naked, sedated, and in a crate in one of the rooms. As the realization of what it meant, of how real his fears had been, dawned on him, the Captain of the Enterprise dropped to his knees as he lifted his friend from the crate and pulled the lean body to him. James Kirk had not cared what the Chief of Security thought as he hugged his friend to him, of the tears he shed as he tried to hug his friend even closer. He was aware of McCoy removing the blindfold and gag and untying Spock but all he could do was hug his friend closer to him and hope that somehow the Vulcan could feel his emotions, could hear him repeatedly whispering, "It's all right, Spock, **I've got you** , you're safe now. **I've got you.** "

McCoy hunted around and grabbed a blanket to wrap the Vulcan in. It was difficult to get Kirk to release his hold on Spock long enough to wrap the bruised body As they started to leave the decadently furnished luxurious room, with Kirk carrying Spock in his arms as one does a sleeping child, the Chief of Security set three small charges and closed the door, went to a box and switched a few switches, waited a moment then opened the door to show them a destroyed room.

"You can tell your officer it has been done. Truly you have a magnificent fighter in that officer. In my fifteen years as Chief of Security I have never, **never** seen anybody beat six of my men as he did and then catch me like that. I had not thought of that move before." He looked at Spock in Kirk's arms then back at him, "He must be special. Not many would take the beating that officer of yours did for another, **especially one so different**. You can be assured that the security footage of your involvement and of that officer being found and removed will be destroyed as well. I will keep the portion of the combat as there is so much to be learned from it. Be assured that nobody else will see it not only to protect him but also myself as I would not want others to learn what I can from it."

When they returned to the ship, as they materialized on the ship and Kirk saw just Scotty and Kyle were at the controls he said, "Clear the corridors, only we are to know of this." Both the other men nodded and all but barked the order over the ship-wide band.

"Captain, if I may,"

Scotty started but Kirk shook his head, "Later, Scotty. I'll tell you later."

It had not taken them long to walk through the empty corridors to Spock's quarters and McCoy had been able to analyse the drugs used on the First Officer and to administer an antidote to them once he had been able to get Kirk to let go of his First Officer. Spock had momentarily opened his eyes and Kirk had made sure he was there, holding his friend's hand. When the dark eyes opened he looked into them and saw the confusion, "You're safe now, Spock." he briefly placed a hand on Spock's forehead as he whispered, "You're back home on the Enterprise . We'll talk later. Rest now." and felt a slight nod.

With Spock safely in a healing trance under McCoy's watchful eyes, Kirk thought of Ronat as he started back to the Bridge after Doctor M'Benga had said he had briefly stopped by to say he was okay but tired and had left before he could give him a complete physical, "He seemed a bit shaken but did not say nor, from the look of him, need to say he had been fighting. Just said that he had been accidentally hit a few times. I assumed it was in a bar."

Kirk nodded to himself as he said, "Could well have been that."

Kyle had sounded perplexed when Kirk asked him if Ronat had beamed aboard, "He returned and said you would be returning with Mister Spock, that nobody but myself and Mister Scott were to know, and then walked out."

Kirk went to the intercom, "Uhura, put out a ship-wide search for Officer Ronat. I'll be in Sickbay."

He did not have long to wait after Uhura's broadcast.

"Sir," Kirk knew immediately that it was Chekov. "Please come to the brig with Doctor McCoy."

The brig? Why would,

He caught up with McCoy as they neared the brig and looked at his friend as the answers to his questions came to him. "Migawd, Bones. I said, 'No excuses. No heroics.' so he's put himself on charge."

" **Fool**. Oh, he may've bent a few rules and regulations but we got Spock back. He must known that you would not," The sight of the officer stopped McCoy and he rushed into the cell, waving the scanner over the still form. "Jim, get a **trauma team** organized and a **full life support transport** here, ** now!** Damned fool! Should've known he couldn't take it. Massive and extensive cranial bleeding, severe damage to all his major organs and," he looked up after inserting a ventilation tube and saw the shock on Kirk's face as he seemed to suddenly realize the extent of the damage and the need for the trauma unit, "and sustained damage to the core of his motor reflexes. This time **he simply can't move**."

Slowly Kirk crouched down and touched the side of Ronat's face and looked at McCoy, "I need to talk with him, Bones. I need to thank,"

"He's in a deep coma, Jim. That'll have to wait," the medical team rushed in and Kirk watched as they gently put Ronat on the stretcher and quickly had him on support.

As the medics rushed out, Kirk briefly touched McCoy's arm, "Then he is going to live?"

"I won't know till I have him in Sickbay and have given him a thorough exam. You should be there with Spock when he fully wakes up. I'll let you know as soon as I finish."

Spock had woken slowly and confused. Kirk had been sitting by the bed and immediately stood so his friend would see him, "It's okay, Spock," he put his hands on his Vulcan friend's shoulders to push him back down as he started to sit up, "You are safe and in your own quarters. McCoy says you just need to rest."

"How did you find me? You didn't," Kirk saw the dark eyes look at him in panic, "You didn't,"

"We got you back by doing what the guards told us had to be done. We did nothing against the Prime Directive. We tried the diplomatic way first then those hired to guard you made a deal with us."

A hand gripped his and Kirk squeezed it back, "I remember being taken, a trap, being drugged, them showing me to a Klingon, then nothing till I woke unable to move, speak, or see. I knew I was bound and enclosed in something, blindfolded, and gagged. They told me they had sold me to the Klingons for considerably more than they paid for me, that they were to send me to a senior officer as freight and that there were armed guards outside."

"I felt you for a time then nothing. We knew where you were but the diplomatic route was taking a long time."

"How?"

Kirk could see his friend wanted to ask what he could not and gently and lightly brushed the dark hair into order, "We got assistance from the guards after proving our skills and found you nude, blindfolded, gagged, bound, and in a crate. Once we had you out of the room there was a series of mysterious explosions, totally destroyed the room."

"You didn't break,?"

"No," he rested a hand on the side of Spock's face, "The guard helped us and destroyed it all,, no evidence of you, or us, being there." he saw the questions in the dark eyes but shook his head, "I'll tell you more later but you need to sleep."

For a moment Kirk saw a strange look flicker across his friend's face before he felt the hand holding his tighten, "Tell no one I am back."

"Spock?"

"Please, Jim, **tell no one** but the essential crew."

Although he did not understand it Kirk knew there would be a logical reason for the request, "I'll keep the knowledge down to the bridge crew, Bones, M'Benga, and Kyle." as he spoke he saw his Vulcan friend relaxing and felt a slight squeeze on his hand.

"You'll,"

"I'll be right here," Kirk squeezed the hand that was still in his again, "till I see you are sleeping and come back when you wake."

An hour later McCoy walked in, quickly gave the sleeping Vulcan an injection, and placed his hand on Kirk's shoulders, "He's sleeping, Jim. I think we could both use a drink about now."

For a moment Kirk was going to protest till McCoy showed him the empty syringe. Kirk smiled and said nothing till he had followed McCoy into his office in Sickbay and taken the pro-offered drink and then he looked up at his Chief Medical Officer, "Ronat?"

"I've got his papers ready for transfer to a suitable medical facility."

"What are you talking about transfer? Why a special facility?"

"Right now he is on **full support**. He is going to need a lot of help and time and Starfleet does not look too kindly on having such a mentally and physically disabled officer taking up space or time on ship and you know it. If he were just physically disabled we might have been able to have helped him or if he had been slightly mentally disabled we might have been able to have helped him but **not both**. How he kept fighting is beyond me. There is massive cranial bleeding, extensive and severe damage to all of his major organs, eleven cracked ribs, numerous bruises, and considerable damage to his core motor reflexes and the entire length of his spinal cord has suffered major trauma. We also have to be prepared for." McCoy looked at his almost empty glass f or a moment then at Kirk, "some major brain damage."

"Brain," just for a moment Kirk closed his eyes then took a deep breath before looking back at McCoy, "Brain damage?"

"He's suffered substantial head trauma. Some of the fighting we missed must have included terrific blows to the head, you saw the size of those men he had beaten before we got there. It is not just one area of the brain that had been bruised." McCoy looked again at what remained of his drink, shook hisi head, then up at his friend and Captain who was clearly shaken by the information. "This time his body and mind have just quit on him, **they just plain quit**. Damned if I know what is still holding him with us."

"I think we both know, Bones." Kirk looked at McCoy as he remembered what Ronat had said, what he had called Spock, "You heard him call Spock a friend. He would want to make sure he was okay."

McCoy poured them both a second glass then put the bottle away, "First thing he'd ask after sparring with Spock was if he was okay. That time Spock needed to increase his fitness to pass the required fitness level to be on active duty, when you two were disabled, Ronat had worked out with him three times a day for those two weeks you were off the ship giving your report and being taken care of at Starbase Four. He'd come in here stunned and barely walking and the first thing he'd do was to ask how Spock was."

Kirk smiled as he looked at McCoy suddenly seeing a possibility, "So, **so he will hold on** as long as he does not know Spock is safe,"

"Now just **wait a damn minute** , Jim. While he would still hold on till he knows that Spock is," as the reality of what the Captain was suggesting mixed with his knowledge of his patient McCoy saw the remote possibility Kirk was aiming for. "I, I **could keep him sedated** enough that he was aware yet not aware enough to fully understand that Spock is safe. It might just give his body time to,"

"And then we can determine if there is any brain damage and if so how bad the damage is. I do not want to lose an officer with his skills if there is any possible way of keeping him on board."

McCoy looked over his glass to his friend, "You sure his skills are **the only reason** you are so keen to keep him on board?"

"Meaning?"

"A sense of debt, perhaps." Kirk paused in drinking the remains of his drink and looked at McCoy, "And don't give me that look! I've known you long enough by now to know that there's that James Kirk, **the Captain** , who adheres to the rules and regulations and there is also the Jim Kirk, **the man** , who felt helpless to help a friend because of bureaucracy and now feels he owes the person who saved the life of one of his closest friends a great debt. The Captain would see sending him to a special facility as the right thing to do while the man would see keeping him aboard a familiar vessel with familiar people around him as the best thing to do. The Captain would think of Ronat as an officer while the man would think of Ronat as a person."

Kirk bit his bottom lip, he had always been easy for Bones to read. "Bones?"

For a long time McCoy looked into his half-full glass then downed it, smiled at his Captain and friend, "Now, if I were to try to be Spock, **the Vulcan** , for you I would say that it has been medically proven that such an injured human benefits most from specialist care. Then being that so **conflicted half-Human side** of that hobgoblin I would say that it would be better for him to heal in surroundings where there are people who know him and care about him, that it is, in fact, a medical fact that most sentient beings recover more quickly when with those they are most familiar with."

"I promise to not tell Spock about that," Kirk grinned at his friend, "and thanks for drink, and the help. I think that we will just see how he does here. Sort of test that medical fact about recovering more quickly around those he knows."

"Spock know he,"

"No, he knows a guard helped. He also does not want the crew to know he is back, yet."

"You know that blasted Vulcan will find some way to blame himself for what has happened to Ronat, don't you? He won't want the crew to know he is back till he knows how to deal with Ronat." McCoy looked at him and Kirk knew the truth and nodded, "You are going to have to find a way to keep Spock from seeing him till I say he can. I don't envy you that."

"And I do not envy you keeping the fact that Spock is safe and aboard from him. He is one very astute man."

"Which is precisely, Captain, why I said I would keep him sedated enough to be semi-aware. I have that advantage," McCoy smiled at Kirk, "I can keep him sedated but you have a Vulcan to deal with." For a moment a McCoy's forehead furrowed, 'Wonder why he wants no one to know he is safely back with us."

For a moment Kirk was going to mention how Spock had mentioned a trap but wanted to think more about that and just nodded, "He'll have a reason for it, Bones."

"Yeah, he always has logical reasons, doesn't he?" again McCoy smiled at Kirk knowing they both knew the Vulcan too well, knew they both knew he would have some reason that, to that Vulcan mind, was logical.


	3. Chapter 3

As full awareness came back to Spock he lay still and remembered all that he knew had transpired since leaving the ship. He and gone with some new officers in the Science Division to see some unusual cultural symbols the officer had heard about. He had been most interested to see them as they were, from the description given by the officer, not unlike early Vulcan symbols. There had been others looking as the display, people were coming in and going out, among them he had seen the officers who had gone with him, yet he had not taken too much notice of them as the display was fascinating, so many of the items were very like early Vulcan symbols. He had moved closer to see what the full description was and was only aware of those around him when he felt two hyposprays being pushed against him neck from two sides.

Again he cursed his own stupidity as he again heard a voice say, "You have done well, this is, indeed, Spock of the starship Enterprise. This is your finder's fee as agreed. We are pleased you told us of your trap, it was easy to make the pieces and hire the room."

"Thank you. I must get back to the ship, He didn't belong on the Bridge of the ship."

' ** _The ship_**.' That was it. It was somebody from the ship. As much as he did not want to believe it the words used indicated it had to be one of his own officers. But which of the officers? He slowed his breathing and thought of each one in turn, quickly eliminating the four who had served with him for many years.

He recalled what Officer Warren Ronat had said when there was first talk about the display, that he thought it strange, that it didn't feel right. In the privacy of his own quarters Spock allowed himself to smile at that. When Jim Kirk first assumed command of the Enterprise and had had to kill Gary Mitchell both he and Kirk knew that Ronat should have been made Chief Science Officer because of his expertise and years aboard the ship when Kirk made him First Officer as well as Chief Science Officer. Ronat had looked at Kirk and then at him saying it would not feel right to be anything more than the assistant to the best. Ronat had stayed aboard the ship to catalogue some plant samples that had been brought aboard and Spock nodded to himself that he knew he would find, on his computer, a very comprehensive report from his with the minutest of details and any cross-references to remotely related as well as directly related other plants. Although he knew the man's middle name was Evan many said that the letter E actually stood for Exacting. While Ronat was very much a human, with what would be equated to an emotional level between Jim's and McCoy's, he had often spoken of things not feeling right when there had, indeed, been something wrong but wile his accuracy was without question on most things his "feeling" were exact only seventy-nine point six eight percent of the time and the display had sounded interesting. He knew Ronat would keep the Science Station at the standards he had established rather than his own while he recovered as Spock had no doubt that McCoy would keep him under observation longer than he needed to. He would have to thank the doctor for bringing him to his quarters rather than subjecting him to Sickbay and knew that the man really did understand him better than he often gave him credit for.

Certain that Ronat would, as Humans would say, mind the store for him in the Science Department he switched focus. His mind shifted back to the newer officers in the Science Department, they had ten new officers and he set his mind to reviewing all he knew of each of them. One thing he was certain of was whoever was behind his kidnapping was in that group. He just had to think about which of them was the most likely to hide xenophobic tendencies best.

As he started to think of the ten officer he accepted that those on the planet were beyond the reach of Federation justice but the officer was not. He was acutely aware that he had to find out who was involved before Jim did as he had no idea as to how his friend would react but did know at time Jim Kirk would react first and then think of a reason for his action.

McCoy looked at his friend and Captain as he stood, "I'll let you know if there is any change. I know you'll be with Spock or on the Bridge."

"I'll go to my quarters and freshen up first."

Once he was in his quarters Kirk took a long slow breath when he thought how lucky he was to have Spock back and what he had, per regulations, to do. He knew that Bones was right. By all those **damned regulations** he had to sign Ronat off the ship as he was never going to be fit enough to stay on the ship. He paced for a few minutes. He knew what he had to do, what he had sworn an oath to do, but to hand Ronat over to some medical facility seemed like the ultimate act of betrayal after what he had done to bring Spock back home. He sat down and scanned the regulations as he knew McCoy would have thoroughly read through them, but it was there in plain writing. Even if McCoy did not report it he did have to record any and all injuries the crew get on and off ship and somebody at Command would be going over each and every report and pulling anybody even slightly limited off starships, he had heard from other captains how they had lost good crew members who just needed a week or two longer to be fit but that Command had pulled them off the ship. He slammed his hand down on his desk, somebody at Command who most likely had never been on a deep space mission would take Ronat, an experienced officer, off the ship.

Damn, he dragged a hand through his hair, he had to think, there **had to be a way** around the regulations, a way to keep Ronat on the ship. Although he had unconsciously pinched his lips together he found it helped calm him as he slowly let out a breath through them. McCoy's words came back to him, " _A sense of debt. You know that blasted Vulcan will find some way to blame himself for what has happened to Ronat, don't you?_ " Bones had been right on both counts, he owned Ronat a debt for what he had done to get Spock back despite the fact he had gone against orders. He also had to find a way as he knew Spock would, despite all he said about Vulcan being feeling-free, feel an obligation, especially when he saw Rolan and found out how he got into that condition. He was thankful that Spock would never know about the pain yet committed determination that had been so clear in Ronat's voice when he had looked at that colossus and struggled to say, _"Friend. Protect. Serve. Fight. For."_

He reached out and flicked the switch, "Kirk to bridge."

"Sulu here, Captain. On time and on course."

"Good, I will stop by Mister Spock's quarters then come up to relieve you."

"Acknowledged."

As Kirk walked to his First Officer's quarters he thought, **no** , he shook his head, **he knew** that he had the best ship and the best crew in Star Fleet. One day Sulu would make a great Captain of his own starship.

Spock had not been surprised when Jim Kirk walked into his quarters. It was almost a part of their relationship and it had taken him sometime to accept that Kirk would allow him to walk into his quarters at any time as his life training had been to wait till invited in. Odd how it was also the same with McCoy. They were as familiar with one another's quarters as their very own. He sat up in his robe and indicate for Kirk to sit down on the bed beside him.

"Feeling better?"

"I expect to have a bit of a confrontation with the good doctor as to when I can get back to full duties but know that Officer Ronat will have kept the Science Department up to my standards."

It took Kirk considerable control not to react to how casually Spock had said it and the admiration that was in his voice about what he expected from Ronat. "You think he is as efficient as you at that?"

An eyebrow arched, "I have always found him to be highly productive, neat and orderly in his work, able to do many tasks at one time, know the status of each project at any time, able to motivate others, and almost is almost always moving while also planning ahead for a multiple of possibilities. For a Human he seems to truly savor the moment, and at ease while also in control. I would say he is most efficient and have no doubt that there will be full and comprehensive reports of all that has transpired while I have been away from the Department."

Kirk tried to smile, "So that's why you have not been after Bones to let you get back to work?"

"I have every confidence in Ronat's ability to act on my behalf. In some ways he is much like you."

"Oh," Kirk said and hoped Spock had not noticed how him saying he had every confidence in Ronat acting on his behalf and made him momentarily take a breath, "How?"

"He, at times, believes nothing is impossible, will take risks, looks who he is speaking to right in the eyes, is proactive, and at times will do something others would not think of doing. He also has a grin that makes one think that he holds some secret knowledge that gives him pleasure." Spock steepled his index fingers and looked at him with a smile, "I have seen him fight, I have fought him as a sparring partner, and yet from how he carries himself in an easy manner one would not know of his hidden strength. Like you he would know how to defend himself if he had to in a real situation, although it would have to be a fight of short duration as I doubt if he has your endurance."

Inwardly Kirk cringed at the thought of telling Spock what had happened. But then he saw it, when Spock looked at him. He had been thinking over what had taken place. "What?"

Spock looked at his friend and Captain and felt uncertain how to tell him that one of the crew had been a part of what had happened to him.

Kirk looked at he steadily, "Please tell me, Spock. Is it something to do with Ronat?"

"No, I would trust him with my life. I, I remembered things that happened before I lost consciousness."

When Spock was quiet Kirk gently put a hand on his friend's shoulder, "Something is clearly troubling you, let me help."

"It is a matter I must deal with, Jim."

"If it has to do with the attack on you that it is a matter I, as your Captain, and **more importantly** , **your friend**, help you deal with."

Spock gave a faint smile, "At the moment it is all conjecture, Jim, but I, I heard things that lead me to believe that a member of the crew was paid to deliver me to somebody on the planet. I need time but I,"

" **Someone on this ship?**"

Spock saw the rage building in his friend and put a hand on his arm and lightly squeezed, "Jim. Do nothing. At the moment it is all conjecture on my behalf. McCoy will verify that I was drugged and there is a possibility that the conversation I heard was not related to me." Internally Spock nodded to himself, it was not quite a lie and not the whole truth, it was a possibility.

"Okay but while I wait I might just reread the records of all the crew members who were on the planet at the same time you were."

"That would be appreciated." Kirk saw the tiredness about his friend and heard it in his voice.

"Now I want you to get some sleep."

"You, you could do something if you do not mind."

"Name it."

"Tell Ronat I appreciate all he has done to maintain my expected standards in the Science Division and that I would like to see him."

"I'll, I'll tell him that."

"Make sure he knows it is not an order. Most unusual he has not made contact "

Kirk helped his friend ease back on his bed, "McCoy said you were not to have visitors I'll tell him when I see him."

Just outside Spock's door Kirk leaned against the wall. **Coward.** He had been a coward and yet he knew telling Spock the truth would only make the Vulcan want to go see him and seeing Ronat like he was would only further upset him. When both he and McCoy thought it time he would tell Spock the truth. Spock was be annoyed but would understand it was only logical. He only hoped the Vulcan would understand it was not only logical but **the only thing he could do** when he signed the papers he left Ronat in the care of others. For a moment he paused and shook his head. How could he expect Spock to believe it when he did not even believe it himself?

* * *

 **A.N.** Starting next chapter the three points of view really start to clash with a fourth added to 'stir the pot'. . . Busy with medical, spring planting in the garden, and training pup capers but hope to add more next weekend. Enjoy.


	4. Chapter 4

As he walked to the bridge Jim Kirk kept telling himself that Spock was a very logical person and would see how leaving Ronat at a medical facility that dealt with special cases was the best and most logical thing to do. Spock would see it was the only thing he could do as it was part of Starfleet regulations. That was it. The regulations. He could point out the regulations to Spock. So many times Spock had quoted the regulations to him it would be good to be able to repay him in kind. The thought of finally being able to quote the regulations back to Spock made him smile for a moment then a single word started to echo in his mind. No! No,he would not think that and was more relieved than he could remember when the turbolift's doors opened and he was on the Bridge.

"Captain," he turned and looked at his Communications Officer

"Go ahead, Uhura."

"Our orders have come in. We are to go return to Command for a four day leave period during which the ship is to be refitted with some new equipment and all senior crew to be briefed on a new assignment that will fully not only test the new equipment but expand our boundaries. I acknowledged receipt of the message and let them know you would confirm."

Kirk nodded. He felt relieved that he could stop thinking about having to tell Spock he truth about Ronat. "Get them for me, I will confirm it." As he waited he knew he would also have to explain why he had not yet sent a report of events on the planet.

"Do you want it in your,"

"I'll take it here," he looked at Uhura and saw something about how she was looking at him, slowly he stood and walked over to her station certain there was something that she did not want to say before the others, "What?"

"They asked about your report."

Kirk swallowed and nodded as Uhura would be able to see he had not sent any communications to Command. "I, I explained that we had been experiencing problems with some communications but I was sure we would shortly have it rectified."

Nobody had told him of problems with the communications when he had been on the bridge before. As he was about to question her she smiled, "I just forgot to tell them that those problems were about four standard months ago and it was just a faulty connection that was easily fixed. I thought you might need some time, Sir."

"Thank you, Lieutenant." He lightly touched her shoulder as he turned. Damn! He did have a good crew, a crew who risked so much for him and who understood him so well. "Helm, set coordinates for Command and set at Warp four."

"Course plotted and laid in, estimated time till arrival twenty-seven days "

"Go."

"Uhura,"

"Advising Command of our estimated time of arrival, Sir."

He looked around the bridge and this time looked at the relieving Science Officer and knew the man was one he had seen Spock often talking with and almost joking with. Had Spock recognized the voice he would have named the person and not said he had heard a conversation. So many times Spock had been able to immediately recognize a person just by their voice. They had time to find out who it was. Time.

Twenty-seven days. There was no possible way he could keep Spock from Ronat for twenty-seven days. Although he had left Spock in bed he knew beyond any shade of doubt that the Vulcan would start to wonder why Ronat had not reported to him. He also knew if Spock suspected that somebody from the ship was involved in his kidnapping that the Vulcan would have thought long and carefully about it before making such a statement and be mentally going through the crew before he would check their records. Check their records for what? It was highly unlikely that anyone would mention that they had certain interests like kidnapping or that they were xenophobic. It had to be somebody Spock had spoken to or with as he did say he had heard the voice. All he had to do before Spock was look at a list of all those who went to the planet, all those who were with him and talk with them. He did not want to think what Spock would do to that person and although it would be within the regulations it would have Vulcan applications to it.

He had not been aware that he had been looking at the reliving officer till the man turned and looked at him, "Is everything alright, Captain?"

"Everything is fine." Kirk lied but nodded.

"Permission to ask a question, Sir?"

"Granted. What is it?"

"It is about Warren Ronat. He put me in charge of the Science Division and said he was going to have some private time but it is unlike him not to be there when Mister Spock is not on the ship."

Private time. It had been difficult to keep looking at the man as he said, "Officer Ronat **is** having some personal time and we should respect it."

"Yes. Sir. I was just concerned as it just was not like him to go off as he did. He seemed to have something serious on his mind when he told me to take over. I guess he needs some quiet time to think through whatever it is. I do know he was far more furious than any of us could remember when we were told we could not go looking for Mister Spock." the man seemed to relax a little, "It is a relief to know you gave him permission to have some personal time, Sir, as I was afraid he would break the regs and go looking for Mister Spock as he just told me to take over and charged off saying he needed some private time."

"He seemed to need it."

"He and Miser Spock used to verbally challenge one another a great deal in the way you do with friends. I mean Mister Spock was a bit of a taskmaster but he was fair and, once you got to know how he liked things done, and did not ask really stupid questions you saw what a great guy he was."

"That just you or the whole Department?"

"Most of the Department, those of us who have been here for a few years as it takes a fair bit of time to appreciate that Vulcan perfection and the high standards he pushed us to reach, the way he pushed us to be better than we thought we were capable of being. Some did not understand or appreciate how much they could learn from him as him. It was like all they saw was a cold Vulcan belittling them for not being perfect."

"Thank you, I'll let you get back to what you were doing before."

"Just keeping an eye on one of Ronat's experiments. He'll want to know exactly what happens when."

Again Kirk heard that voice in his head again calling him a coward. He was letting the man believe a lie. It would have only taken a word or two to stop the lie from forming and being only an exchange of words that could have been misunderstood but he had not corrected the misunderstanding. A part of him was asking how deeper was he going to dig himself into a lot of explaining and another part was telling him he was doing all he could at the moment.

At the end of the shift he walked down to Sickbay to check on Ronat before he went to see Spock. McCoy was standing by the bed just looking down at Ronat and talking to him, telling him all the news of what was going on on the ship with the exception of the fact Spock was safely aboard.

"And when the topic of brewing both Scotty and Chekov were great at sparring with each other. I doubt if some of their statements were factual but they put on a good show. They were both getting very heated when that specialist in botany you play old Earth poker with calmed them down by pointing out how both of the original ways for brewing them were the best for the best of both. They both calmed down as he explained the original ways of brewing both single malt Scotch whisky and vodka. You," McCoy paused when he realized that Kirk had arrived and had seen him standing by the bed Warren Ronat was on and holding his hand. Although everything he knew, everything he had read, there was that tiny part, a what that hobgoblin would call illogical part, of his mind that believed that somewhere in the badly damaged body that was Warren Ronat there was an awareness and that the man he knew was fighting to get through to him.

He glanced back down at Ronat. Too many times he had stood beside a bed with Ronat on it after he had been battered helping either Spock or Kirk regain their strength by sparring with them. Despite all else he knew this man and it was ripping him apart to know that he was going to have to send him to some establishment where he would be little more than just another patient. Send him to a place where he would know nobody, have no visitors. "Looks like we've got a visitor. The Captain has come," he looked at Kirk and saw almost a panic in his friend's eyes, a strange panic, with a nod of his head he indicated to Kirk to go into his office then looked back at Ronat, "He wants to see me. I will be right back."

When he walked into his office he saw Kirk was pacing, definitely not a good sign. "What is it, Jim?"

As usual when he called his Captain the man tended to calm and he was relieved when Kirk sat and just looked at him. It was clear the man was having an internal war and needed to vent. He let himself have a slight laugh at that. Whenever Jim wanted to discuss something he went to Spock and when he wanted to vent he would come to Sickbay. It had been their way for so long he could not remember when it started.

"I take it there is no change."

"No. I still have his papers ready for you. That's not why you're here though, is it?"

"No." Kirk had clasped his hands together and placed them on the desk, looking at them for a moment then up at him and there was a plea for help in the hazel eyes, "Spock believes Ronat is looking after the Science Department for him and I didn't tell him the truth and a few minutes ago I, I mislead Officer Tylor, the Science Officers who was manning the Science Station as he believes Ronat is having some personal time and, and I agreed."

For a moment McCoy just looked at his friend. For as long as he had known Kirk and Spock working together he had never known Jim to keep anything this important from the Vulcan, "What do you want me to say, Jim? You know you owe Spock the truth. Do you really want him to find out you did not tell him how badly injured Ronat was saving him?" for a moment, through the open door, he saw M'benga walk by for his shift and gave the officer covered and walking beside him just a cursory glance, but he relaxed knowing that M'Benga would be treating the patient far enough away that they would not hear what was being said. He looked at Kirk for a minute stunned that he had kept the details from Spock, "Do you really want Spock to find out how you and I watched Ronat being battered the way we did and that we did nothing, absolutely nothing to stop it?"

In the hazel eyes McCoy saw a bit of doubt even as Kirk shook his head, "Bones, there was nothing we could have,"

" **You think I don't know that**!" he could feel a great annoyance building in him as he looked at his friend, "Just in case you're forgetting I was there, too. I stood there doing nothing but watching that man in there being battered to that state, a state where all too often death is usually welcome, trying to save one of my two closest friends. I stood there seeing his blood all over that hallway. I stood there watching him fight when all he had to hold on to was the knowledge that he had to win to possibly save Spock. I just stood there and watched, Jim. **I did not even try to do anything to stop it!** "

"We couldn't do anything, Bones."

" **We could have tried**." Even as he said it he realized the truth, they had not ever tried to stop the fight.

"If we had **we would not have had the search** , we would not have found Spock."

"If that mammoth had killed Ronat we would not have had the search. You, we did not even try to talk the man out of it. We did not even try to make Ronat stop." It sickened him the more he thought of how he had let Ronat continued to be injured.

"Think, Bones. We never had the chance."

Chance? What was Jim thinking? "We did. When we helped him up we could have stopped it."

"No, no we couldn't have, Bones. Didn't you see and feel him? He was not aware of us being there. All he saw was that titan and I think he saw him as prey, it was in his eyes."

" **We could have stopped it then**."

" **We would not have got to search** and he was,"

The search. Jim was fixated about the search. "Oh, so now you're a doctor. What was your diagnosis at the time? What did you see? What were you thinking? The truth, Jim. **What were you thinking?** "

Kirk thumped his fist on the table and almost stood as he flared at him, "You don't want to know, Bones."

" **I want the truth from you, Jim. I want the truth you did not give Spock.** " even as he spoke he saw the anger in his friend building.

"You want me to admit that I did not care what happened to Ronat as long as we found Spock? You want me to admit that all I could think about was how close to Spock we were? Well, **I admit it.** " two hazel yes looked levelly at him as Kirk again sat down. "All I cared about was getting to Spock and saw Ronat just as a way of getting to him. I admit that at the time I did not see him as a being but as a thing to be used. All that mattered was finding Spock."

"And are you going to tell Spock that?"

" **No!** How could I tell him that? He would never understand."

Sadly McCoy nodded as he placed a hand on his friend's shoulder, "You don't give him enough credit, Jim. I think he would. No, I know he would find some way of accepting it as some sort of logical thing."

"But you don"t know, Bones."

"I do know you need to tell him and tell him now before he finds out some other way."

"I will know when to tell him, Bones, **just not now.** "

"And **what if** he finds out you hid the truth from him before you tell him? **What if** he finds out you knew how Ronat needs specialist care far beyond what we can provide and that you will be signing him off the ship?"

"He won't know that and he does not need to know that I will be signing him off the ship."

McCoy nodded to himself, finally some truth. He had known Kirk had been fooling himself believing he could keep Ronat on the ship. He squeezed the shoulder under his hand, "You do know, don't you, that **he will find out at some time** , Jim. How will you feel if he does find out before you tell him? How do you think he will feel knowing you kept the truth from him? **Is your trust in each other worth testing like this?** "

" **That is enough, Bones**! You're crossing the line!"

"Am I? **You know damned well that he has a right to know the truth** and that he should hear it directly from you."

"I will tell him what he needs to hear when he needs to hear it, Doctor. I will know when to tell him the truth and he will only find out,"

"From Doctor M'Benga." a chill seemed to sweep through him as Kirk heard a familiar baritone voice behind him. Slowly he stood and turned feeling clashing emotions. Spock stood looking at both of them with an expression McCoy could nor recall ever seeing before. This was not how he wanted Spock to find out and he was chilled by the look in the dark eyes. There was accusation, anger, pity, uncertainty, the deep disbelief of feeling betrayed, and a plea.

After resting once Kirk had left him Spock and having formulated the best way to find out which crew member had been involved he had contacted Doctor M'Benga and asked him to come to his quarters and then accompany him to Sickbay covered so as not to be recognized. He had thought that both Kirk and McCoy should be resting and felt certain that M'Benga would assist him in getting, the ten new officers in to Sickbay and would be able to also assist in seeing their reaction to seeing him alive and on the ship. They had been passing the open door to McCoy's office when he heard the raised voices. It was easy for him to hear what was said although he knew M'Benga, like most Humans, would not hear the words. He had stood for a moment stilled not only by what he was hearing but also he could see into Intensive Care and saw Warren Ronat on full support. No, not full support for he was breathing on his own.

He had felt M'Benga briefly touch is arm, "He's as comfortable as we can make him." he had also felt a small disc being put in his hand, "It is not a full report but will answer your questions without asking McCoy."

Spock had been around doctors long enough to understand what was no being said and nodded, "I am sure he is getting the best care. McCoy will not know of this," he looked at the disc, "Thank you for your consideration. We will wait to get those officers down at a later time unless I take care of the matter before. I believe both the Captain and Doctor McCoy will wish to speak with me now."

He had walked over to stand just short of the door. At first he had meant to go directly in but he could not believe what he was hearing. It was only when Jim had all blult admitted he had withheld the truth from him that he entered.

The shock was plain on Jim's face. McCoy just looked at him and nodded as though he knew this time would come.

"Spock, I." Kirk had momentarily closed his eyes and then looked back at him with sadness about his face reflected by how he stood after he slowly got up. "How, how much did you hear?"

"Enough to know that **you** **deliberately mislead me** by failing to tell me the truth when I asked how you found me. Enough to know that **you** also **did not inform me that Ronat was in Intensive Care because of me** and let me believe he was making sure that the Science Department was kept to my standards for me."

He looked at McCoy and saw the pain about his face and knew how trapped he had been between his loyalty to Jim and what he wanted to do. At least he had not withheld any information from him. He simply had not asked McCoy about what had transpired as he believed Jim would tell him and had been pleased that his friend had let him recover in his own room not suspect there was an ulterior motive. The doctor maintained eye contact with him and he saw the man asking for forgiveness.

"I wish to thank you, Doctor McCoy, for your usual high standard of treatment and for allowing me to recover in my own quarters. I now fully understand it was not just your understanding of my preference for my own quarters. I am sure the Captain endorsed it as he would have seen it as a way to ensure I not know about Ronat's condition until he had fully informed me as his version of the events leading up to my rescue.

"I had intended to, with Doctor M'Benga's assistance, do an evaluation of some crewmembers but I will do that later. I will return to my quarters," it was difficult but he ignored the way Kirk started to approach him, "alone and I do not wish to be disturbed for at least six standard hours as I have much to think about."

He had picked up and pulled on the robe that had covered him when he walked in and started to walk out but paused as he realized there was something he needed, and looked at McCoy, "I would appreciate it if you would come to my quarters in five point two five hours to declare be fit to return to duty at that time. Until that time I will be on medical leave and," for just five point eight one seconds he hesitated as he looked at McCoy and saw understanding, "I request **full medical isolation** for six hours." McCoy had gone to his computer and logged confirmation of him being in medical isolation and let him see it and nodded, "Thank you, Doctor McCoy. I will see you, Captain, when I return to the bridge." without looking at Kirk, although he could feel the Captain's cauldron of emotions, and without another word walked out and to his quarters.

 **Jim had kept information from him** , facts he needed to know. He had deliberately not corrected him when he had talked about Ronat taking care of the Science Department. For a moment he wondered if Bonat had died if Jim would have told him. He calmed himself with the breathing lessons he had learned as a child when he remembered how he had told Jim about how Ronat could fight and Jim and said nothing. Jim had clearly seen Ronat fight and had said nothing. While in Jim's voice he had heard his command voice and certainty in McCoy's he had heard annoyance and regret. Jim was in a hurry to get Ronat off the ship, perhaps he had hoped to do so without telling him. While he was aware that Jim was very aware of how he rightfully took full responsibility for any action done on his behalf, as what Ronat had done clearly was, he did not have the right to keep such actions from him. Had he known Ronat had been so badly injured in his behalf sooner he would have been able to be back on active duty sooner. He had asked for the six hours as he needed time to read through Ronat's medical records and contact Vulcan if necessary to find out if they could care for him should there be any suggestion of leaving him in some special hospital where nobody would know him or visit him as he knew his mother and, possibly, his father would be regular visitors if he were on Vulcan. He just needed time alone to think. **There had to be some reason Jim was not honest with him.**

Slowly Jim Kirk sat down and hardly noticed that McCoy had poured two glasses from one of his emergency bottles. All he was aware of was seeing how Spock had looked at him, the way he had spoken to him. So cold. So distant. So hurt, so very deeply hurt. Spock had looked at him as though he had betrayed him and, as he thought of how he had acted, he realized the Vulcan could easily see it that way. He closed his eyes as he took his first swallow of the liquor, He had betrayed his best friend. He had not trusted him to be able to accept what had happened, not told him the full truth, allowed him to believe things were different. Just about any other crew member would have understood but with Spock the brutal truth was always the best, was the only way to deal with any situation. And he way he left, asking McCoy to go to his quarters but telling him he would see him on the bridge reflected how deeply he was hurt. He could not remember any other time when Spock looked at him like that nor spoke to him like that, when his actions showed so much about how he was feeling. It was almost as though he was a total stranger, somebody the Vulcan was wary of.

"Jim," he heard McCoy's concern but all he wanted was to go to Spock and find a way of making it right. He had to go make it right. Slowly he stood and felt McCoy grip his arm as he started to leave. " **Jim, where do you think you are going**?"

For a moment he tried to pull away and then spun to face McCoy and all but spat, " **Stay out of it** , **Bones**! I have to go and make it right. He doesn't understand. He needs to know,"

" **That you respect his wishes to be left alone**." As usual when he was so irate McCoy used just enough of an edge to make him pause. "We both heard him say that he would see you on the bridge."

"And before then I have to make him understand. I have to,"

The hand holding his arm had relaxed and McCoy had said, "Go then. You heard that he had been put on medical isolation for six hours. Even a Captain cannot over-ride that. Oh, but you are Captain Kirk. What you want is what matters most. Go, you just go and put more distance between you two. **Go and prove to him that how he thinks and feels does not matter when compared with what you think and feel.** Just do not expect a warm reception. He's been really hurt and wants time. He asked for time alone."

He knew Spock, knew Spock better than McCoy and knew that he could get Spock to see reason and understand why he did what he did. " **I know what he needs,** Bones."

All the way to Spock's quarters he had thought over all the reasons he could give, all the reasons that Spock would have to see were sound reasons, were logical reasons.

When the door opened Spock stood before him at attention, "Captain Kirk, is there a specific reason for your presence? I believe you were present when Doctor McCoy put me on medical isolation which is, as per StarFleet regulations, a status in which only medical personnel approved by the Chief Medical Officer of the ship are allowed to see the crew member declared to be under medical isolation. I also specifically stated that I would see you on the bridge when my next shift starts in six standard hours. If there is no problem with the ship you should not be here. I ask again, is there a reason for your presence here?"

"Spock, I had to come to explain about earlier, about what I did, we need to talk,"

A cold numbness seemed spill over him as he looked at Spock and realized he was in total Vulcan mode, he was a stranger. "Captain Kirk, as your actions and words of earlier have nothing to do with the safe and efficient operation of the ship we have nothing to discuss. I repeat what I said earlier, I will see you in six hours when I report for my duty as the Science Officer and First Officer of this ship. You should leave was you are in breach of the medical isolation regulations, Sir. I will report to you on the bridge on time."

It was only when he was standing staring at the closed door that he realized just how deeply he had hurt his friend. McCoy's words came back to him, _"Go and prove to him that how he thinks and feels does not matter when compared with what you think and feel."_

* * *

 _A/N Grabbed a bit of time to get this much typed out - having to use only one hand was a bit slowing. Thanks to all those reading - hope you enjoy it. Take care and have fun._


	5. Chapter 5

For a few minutes Kirk just stared at the closed door unsure exactly what to do. It had been a long time since he had seen Spock as he was. It was almost like when he had first met him. McCoy had been right, he had not only put more distance between them but had also if not lost then at least badly broken the trust that had been between them. " _You deliberately mislead me by failing to tell me the truth, failing to tell me the truth."_ **The truth.** Apart from when they were in situations which could be called life or death situations they never lied to one another. The one thing he had always known he would always hear from Spock was the truth. The truth. The one thing he had not given in return.

He did not recall walking to his quarters but he had felt a need to get away, to get to a safe place. Only he found it was no longer the safe place it had been. Three words haunted him, blocked other thoughts. One was the word he had kept at bay for so long. **Betrayal**. Sending Ronat away would be an act of betrayal that would possibly bother him but the look of betrayal he had seen when he looked at Spock was a look he doubted he would ever forget. **The truth.** That was behind that look from Spock, by not telling him the truth about Ronat, by not telling him what Ronat had done, and by letting Spock believe Ronat was caring for the Science Department gave his Vulcan friend every right to feel betrayed. For the first time he doubted if he would regain what they had as Spock's actions and words at the door to his quarters made his thoughts perfectly clear. It was clear that to Spock they now were just two officers on the same ship with their relationship being he was the Captain and Spock the Science Officer and First Officer and nothing more. For over an hour he tossed and turned and tried to get some sleep but whenever he closed his eyes he just saw that look on Spock's face, a stranger's face, accusing him of ruining the best relationship he had ever known. He had had so many chances to stop and tell Spock the truth but while he had not lied he had not told the truth and had let Spock believe something he knew was incorrect. He got up and went to his desk and fond the pills McCoy had given him for when he could not sleep and remembered how they had been proven effective in getting him into a deep sleep mode, one pill would vive him four hours of sleep. Back on his bed he stretched out and knew that the coming shift was going to be the worst. He did not want to think beyond it, did not want to think about how things would be if he could not get Spock to understand why he did what he did. As sleep claimed him a voice in his head whispered, " _Have you been honest with yourself about why you did not tell him the truth_?"

Once he had shut the door on Kirk Spock had a momentary flash of guilt that he was quick to squash. For the first time in all the time he had known Jim Kirk he was shocked that Kirk had kept from some information he wanted, Kirk had allowed him to believe a false situation, and Kirk had deliberately kept the truth from him. When Kirk had appeared at his door he had allowed himself to hope that he had come to apologize and explain but when he had said " _we need to talk_ " he was certain that Kirk would avoid the truth and talk in platitudes in an attempt to deflect from what must be talked about and dealt with. Perhaps Kirk had thought that by not telling him the truth about the part Ronat clearly played in his rescue, not telling him that Ronat was in Sickbay and not the Science Section he would relax and rest more. The only time he had seen the Jim Kirk who was his friend and not just his Captain was in the man's reaction to his statement was that there is a crew member who assisted with his kidnaping. For Jim Kirk to be so anxious to sign a man off the ship was a Human reaction to a form of guilt. Had Kirk not felt guilt but, as he himself did, obligation to the man he would do all within his power to assist in Ronat's recovery, not send him to some special facility where he would be alone. There was a possibility that he might have slightly over-reacted to the shock of Jim not telling him the whole truth but then if Jim Kirk knew him as well as he so often professed to know him he would have known he would have preferred the truth to deception. When Kirk had come he had been reading the file that M'Benga had given him of the injuries sustained by Ronat in his rescue. For Kirk not to have told him how seriously injured Ronat had been because of him was unconscionable. What Kirk had said came back to him about his rescue, " _We got assistance from the guards after proving our skills_." but he did not specify what assistance nor what skills as was usual and yet Kirk would have known he would want to know the details.

Knowing that should Ronat be sent to a special facility and therefore have few, if any, visitors, he knew he had to take action. His mother was most pleased to hear from him and said she would gladly visit any of his fellow crew members who were sent for special care on Vulcan. He had briefly explained what had transpired and she had agreed with him that Ronat should be sent to Vulcan rather than a special facility elsewhere.

When he had finished talking with his mother he momentarily reflected on how emphatic she had been that Ronat be seen to Vulcan and smiled as he knew that Ronat would have a daily visitor. While still at his desk he called up a private message he had filed in a secure file and reread it, relieved to know that his memory had not failed him about what it stated, and knowing it was an option he would now consider depending on what happened before they arrived at Command. Satisfied with his actions and plans he lay down and knew he would sleep for four hours. He had things to attend to before he went to the bridge.

McCoy poured himself a larger drink when Jim Kirk had left. His two friends had often had verbal disagreements but this, **this was different**. Many times he had been on the receiving end of a challenging look from Spock but, as far back as he could remember, nothing near the look the Vulcan had given Jim. He closed his eyes as he savored the liquid in his mouth. Spock's request to be put on medical isolation had briefly caught him off guard but he understood some of the reasoning behind it and had no hesitation in entering in Spock's records and letting his friend see it was entered. Only too well he knew how Spock preferred being alone when he felt in any way emotionally out of balance and it was clear Jim had not really seen just how difficult it was for Spock to deal with his feelings. McCoy leaned back in his chair and thought of those conflicting emotions he had seen on that usually expressionless face. Anger, no it was more like barely controlled rage, contempt and a hint of sorrow clearly reflecting his feeling of being betrayed, of uncertainty as to why Jim had not been honest with him, and, perhaps the worst, was that look as though Jim was now a total stranger to him.

If ever there were two men who belonged together it was those two. McCoy was not sure if it was because they were so alike in so many ways or because they were equally so different that they were drawn to each other the way they were. He had known Kirk before he met Spock and even in those days Kirk seemed to be a man looking for a true anchor, somebody who liked him for who and what is at his core and not what his good looks and ranks could do for them, and he had found that in Spock. Spock had found in Jim a being who accepted him as he was, perhaps for the first time in his life. While he was mad at Spock for acting has he had McCoy was totally furious at Kirk for acting as he had. Momentarily he looked at the now empty glass and thought maybe another would help but he knew that he was going to be needed by those two and soon so he walked over to the drop-down bed in his office and stretched out on it.

Spock had awoken at the time he had expected to, took care of his ablutions, and once again pulled the Sickbay robe over his uniform and went to Sickbay. He saw McCoy was asleep in his office and M'Benga was in with Ronat. There was just a moment of hesitation before he walked over to the bed and, when M'Benga nodded, he gently lifted the blanket covering Ronat and saw the external signs of the damage he had suffered in saving him. He was not aware of nodding as he had been right in his earlier actions, he was prepared.

"His breathing has become easier for him," M'Benga looked at him as he readjusted the blanket to cover Ronat, "no real volume but sufficient to keep him with us. His fluid intake has slightly increased and the fluid leaving his system is now normal eighty-nine percent of the time. There has been some blood but it is not fresh blood. His pain levels do wildly fluctuate and it took some time to find an effective treatment for him. Periodically there are spikes in cranial activity but there is nothing I can correlate it."

"Thank you for that. Would you mind getting Doctor McCoy some coffee with the appropriate additive in it to combat the effects of alcohol in fifty minutes time. I will attend to Officer Ronat while you first have a rest as it is obvious that you have had little rest since his arrival."

"I have never had the opportunity to observe a living Human body as severely damaged over the entire body externally and internally and his records state that should he be in such a state that the medical staff be allowed to observe under the instruction of the Chief Medical Officer. From everything I have read and heard it is unusual for one so damaged to live as long as he has." M'Benga had looked away for a moment then back at him, "I know that this is illogical, Mister Spock, but I find myself in conflict in that part of me wants him to fully recover and another part of me wants him to die and be free from the pain he is in and that he will experience as he recovers."

"That is perfectly understandable, Doctor M'Benga. I often find myself in conflict. It is a most uncomfortable position to be in. Now, if you do not mind, I wold like time alone with Ronat while you rest and then get Doctor McCoy's coffee."

When M'Benga had gone Spock stepped closer to the bed, put a hand on the side of Ronat's face, and quickly found what he wanted and steeled himself as he saw what had been done, and as he heard the pain in Ronat's voice when he had said, "Friend. Protect. Serve. Fight. For.". There was far too much damage for him do be able to do more than ease some surface pain and felt shame in himself for only being able to do that. He knew Ronat would have allowed the meld as during their first year of working together they had been on an exploration group together and been in different areas and Ronat could not recall exactly where he had found something that was of great interest to him and when he had asked permission for a mind meld Ronat had looked at him, smiled, and said, " _Anytime, now and for as long as you know me, if you think there is something in my head or mind you want to look into feel free to do so but it is a crazy mess_." Even if he had been able to relieve more of Ronat's pain he knew that Ronat would not want him to, he knew, from various conversations they had had over the years, that the man would feel greatly upset knowing he had caused someone he knew, be it a friend or fellow crew member, pain or put them at risk of any danger or harm. From the brief meld he had seen the final fight and knew that Ronat had not been aware of either Jim Kirk or Doctor McCoy being present, Ronat had only been aware of the man he was to fight and that he had to do it to save him.

As he looked at Ronat and reflected on all he had discovered he was not aware that M'Benga had had his rest and taken McCoy some coffee and that the good doctor was watching him from his office. All he was aware of was the slow and steady rise and fall of Ranat's chest and how much he owed the man although he knew Ronat would not see it as such.

Kirk awoke and thought before he went to the bridge he would stop by Sickbay and see McCoy to apologize. As he walked towards Sickbay he thought over the last few days and hours. He would have to figure out how he was going to get Spock back. He had really overstepped the line with both of them but mostly with Spock. Deep within himself he knew he had been **so wrong** in so many ways and realized that he might have lost the best friendship, the best friend, he had ever had and was ever likely to have. He knew he should have trusted Spock to be able to deal with the actions of Ronat, with the truth, and yet he, **he** had decided for his friend what he could and could not deal with. He had had to face the fact that he had done it not so much for Spock as for himself. McCoy had been right on seeral things but he had not wanted to accept it let alone admit it. He did have a great feeling of obligation to Ronat and yet the man had broken so many rules and regulations to save Spock. He had a lot of anger at himself for not being able to have done something to have found Spock but he was governed by the very rules and regulations Ronat had ignored. And he was furious at himself for saying he was going to sign Ronat off the ship. A part of him had known all along that he would as he had to follow the rules and regulations. McCoy had been right, there had been a time when he had been torn but when he realized that Spock was safe and sound and back on the ship he had started to draw up the papers to get Ronat off the ship, he had wanted Ronat, a reminder of his impotency to do anything to save Spock. off the ship an out of his life,

Kirk had been surprised, as he entered Sickbay to see Spock in the Intensive Care room and even more surprised when McCoy saw him and joined him to walk to be by Spock who just kept looking at Ronat. Looking at Spock was like looking at a total stranger, it was as though all the Human aspects of him had been erased as Kirk was sure he was looking at a full Vulcan. Images of Spock's father flashed before him as Spock seemed as cold and distant as Sarek had been.

"Spock," he started then stopped as the figure turned and dark eyes looked at him with no emotion about the face, he was aware of swallowing twice as though something were suddenly stuck in his throat, "Spock, are you alright?"

"Captain Kirk, as per regulations I am still under medical isolation and decided, as the condition for which I requested and was granted medical isolation is not contagious and therefore there was no risk to the crew, that rather than have Doctor McCoy go to my quarters to confirm I am physically and mentally fit to return to work I would come to Sickbay. I am, to use your word, alright and will report to you on the bridge when my duty starts in eighty-seven point three standard minutes." Spock then turned his attention back to Ronat totally shutting him off. In that moment Kirk remembered how Sarek was like that, had that ability to just totally close off and now Spock had done the same.

"So, so till you report to me on the bridge you're just going to stand there and look at him?"

Having known and watched Spock as long as he had Kirk did not miss the slight movement in the Vulcan's shoulders that showed him the Vulcan was only just controlling his annoyance, before Spock turned and fixed his gaze at him, a gaze that Kirk felt bored into his very being. " **Captain** , how I, or any crew member for that matter, spent off-duty time is none of your concern provided it is within the dictates of Starfleet's regulations. However, since you are here now and it will save time when I am on the bridge I will inform you now that should Ronat be signed off the ship and into medical care I will ensure that that care is on Vulcan. For me to allow him to be sent to any other place would be an act of total betrayal for what he did for me as he would have no visitors and be surrounded by strangers. He would be as totally alone as I was."

"That would be up to McCoy." Kirk had all but flared back feeling Spock had crossed the line as to who was in control of the situation.

"I am sure that Doctor McCoy would agree that it is a medical fact patients do best if they have visitors who know them and care about them. Should he be sent to a special facility he would be alone whereas on Vulcan he would have the company of my mother at least. I would also be able to visit when I have my leave. Further when he is, by your hand, transferred off this ship and to Vulcan I will use half my accumulated leave to see him settled and that his physicians are able to be of great assistance in his care. You will find that half my accumulated leave is eighty-seven point six days."

In shock Kirk suddenly turned to stand directly in front of Spock, " **Now just you wait a minute!** I am the one who,"

"Will have to find a new First Officer and Chief Science Officer should I not be granted such leave to assist Ronat in his transition." Dark eyes locked onto hazel ones and Kirk felt a prickle of fear as this was not his Spock, "Captain Kirk, I cannot speak for you but I know that I do not care to speculate as to what my life would be like had he not done what he did and seeing that he is settled is in a place where he will **not** be left with total strangers and never have visitors who care about him as him is the very least I can do for him in return. As is my right I hereby, as per regulations, inform you, my commanding officer, that it is my intention, should I not be granted such leave, to resign my commission and take up a role that has been held open for me on Vulcan."

" **You've got to be joking!** You know I, " Kirk felt like he had been physically struck and could not believe what he was hearing.

Only the slightest movement of an eyebrow raising reflected any part of the Spock he knew, "Really, Captain Kirk. You do know that **Vulcans do not joke**. I have made my intentions clear and," a multitude of different looks seemed to flash across Spock's face as Kirk looked at him, looks that he fully understood, looks reflecting how hurt he was, then that inscrutable Vulcan face was before him, "I have not kept nothing from you nor have I hidden from you any details."

"McCoy," Kirk had been stunned by what Spock had said, "Doctor McCoy would not agree with,"

"I would, Jim. He is right. By regulations I had to write up transfer papers for a specialist facility but I will gladly alter them for Vulcan as there he would have at least one person, possibly two people, to visit him." McCoy's voice was heavy with understanding, weariness, and sympathy.

"You try that and I will over," Kirk felt like he was losing control, losing everything.

"Jim, you are the Captain of the ship but I outrank you in medical matters. Although he does not have the best prognosis Ronat would be best in a place where he was not totally alone in this fight."

 _This fight_. It seemed at that moment the three men were of one mind as they looked at one another then, almost as one, at Ronat.

Kirk remembered how at the time all he had cared about was that they got the chance to get Spock back and what happened to Ronat was immaterial.

McCoy remembered how while a part of him had been horrified at what was being done to Ronat another part was hoping that Ronat could somehow last so they could find Spock.

Spock had no real recollection of the fight, only what he had experienced though the meld and that had been but a short part of what had clearly been an ordeal, but was aware that through the pain Ronat had been in it had been his safety that mattered to Ronat more than his own.

As they stood looking at Ronat each locked in their own world of pain and uncertainty as to if what they had had before had any hope of still existing three warning lights flashed on and there was that quick exchanged look that was a part of what had been as McCoy rushed to the side of the bed signaling for Kirk to be on one side and Spock with him on the other.

"Roll him on his right side keeping his body straight," as Kirk and Spock slowly rolled Ronat McCoy carefully inserted a tube down Ronat's throat and flicked a switch. Ronat's body shook for a moment, he let out a guttural moan, the container at the end of the tube filled with a thick dark sludge, and McCoy nodded as he said, "That right, Warren. Just let it come out. You're doing fine." Ronat had four more violent spasms then McCoy stroked his hair, "That's it, Warren. You just rest now. You'll feel better. You're going to be rolled back onto your back now."

Once they had Ronat settled and McCoy had sent the container to be analyzed the three walked to McCoy's office in silence. He was not sure if the other two realized but it was the first time in a long time the three of them had been a single unit, had been one, the way it was before.

"Doctor," Spock was the one to break the awkward silence, "am I correct as to the dark color in the contents being old blood indicating the likelihood of his inner injuries healing?"

"That is what it appears to be, Spock. I will not know till it has been analyzed."

"Then he will recover?", even as he asked the question Kirk realized that for the first time he was really concerned about the officer. Since Spock had gone missing all he had been able to think about, all he cared about, was finding him and getting him back.

"It is far too soon to know just yet, Jim. He may recover physically but we will have to wait to find out just how much damage was done to his brain. I'll let you know when to submit the transfer papers."

At the mention of the papers the three all looked at the desk then at one another. The one question that they shared as they looked at one another but did not ask aloud was if anything had permanently changed, if things were as they were or if the recent events and words had forever changed what they had.

In the still and silence that seemed to fill their universe the three all heard a soft strained, broken voice, "Mis. . . ter. . . Sp. . .ock?"


	6. Chapter 6

The three men raced to the bed and while Kirk and McCoy watched Spock took one of Ronat's hand in one of his and briefly placed his other hand on Ronat's forehead. "This is Spock. I am here. Relax. Rest."

"Good. . . . Can . . . let . . . go . . . now."

" **No** , you may not let go." there was just the slightest change in Spock's voice. "You have to give me a report as to your findings on what I left you to do."

"On . . . file."

"It is incomplete. You must finish your report as no other officer was involved. You must file a complete report." In a move that made Kirk and McCoy exchange a startled look Spock lightly brushed Ronat's hair into place then took Ronat's hand in both of his, "It is not like you, Warren, to file an incomplete report. It is not in you to file an incomplete or inaccurate report. I do not accept it as a full report."

"I. . . feel. . ."

"You feel what?" others would not have hear it but his two friends heard the concern in his voice.

"Not . . . e . . .ven. . . twen. . . ty. . . per. . .cent . . .yet, . . .Sir."

McCoy looked at Kirk when the hint of a smile touched Spock's lips, neither of them knew it was like a standing joke between the two about his performance "I will help you work on the other eighty and your report if you agree not to let go."

"Hurts."

"If you allow I can,"

"No. Hurt . . . you. Will . . . not . . . go. Your. . .shift?"

"I," for a moment Spock looked at Kirk and Kirk looked back at him for a moment and nodded as he thought he felt the flicker of the old feelings, "am not on duty for a standard hour. I shall stay while the Captain and Doctor McCoy arrange for me to see ten officers along with Doctor M'Benga's help."

"They . . . hurt. . . you?"

"No, you did not let them. This is something else."

When Spock looked for McCoy he saw him on a communicator and heard him saying "the the officers" so knew he was talking with M'Benga. He looked at Jim Kirk who gave him a slight nod. It was obvious that McCoy was still his friend and understood him but he wondered about what he had had with Kirk, if it was still there, badly damaged but still there.

"Be. . . fore. . . you. . . found. . . it?"

Spock squeezed the hand in his, he had thought he sensed an awareness earlier when he had had the light meld, "Yes, thank you."

"Come. . . back?"

"I have matters I must attend to and then I will be back as you and I have much to work on and discuss. It may take some time to get that eighty percent."

"Thank. . . you."

The words stabbed into him and for two point nine seconds Spock closed his eyes he realized he had not thanked him for what he had done and here Ronat was in pain and thanking him for just being there. "You rest."

Once Ronat had gone to sleep Spock stood for eighteen point six seconds looking at him, silently thanking him and knowing that he would do everything he could to help Ronat recover, and then he turned as McCoy walked over to where he and Kirk stood by the bed. "M'Benga is getting them and a few others into briefing room three. We figured it best to have a few more than the ten so as not to arouse suspicions. "

Kirk was ready as he knew how it should be done, how things were done on his ship but he looked at Spock and saw he was looking at him and again saw the stranger was lurking there, there was still some distance between them, distance that his words and actions had put there. "This is your call, Spock. We will follow your lead."

"Thank you, Captain. I believe the guilty will be reveled as soon as I walk in. You and Doctor McCoy should go in first and tell them only that a matter has arisen that involves at least one of their number."

" **At least** one? You only mentioned one. You mean there may be more?" Kirk looked at Spock in disbelief.

McCoy nodded, "The two injection sites on your neck. Even for a hypospray they were done by an inexperienced person in Vulcan anatomy as there was slight bruising that had me curious."

Kirk turned and looked at McCoy, "And you did not ask him about them?"

"The good doctor was respecting my privacy, Captain. Had he asked I would have informed him. I surmised that he may have had suspicions that would possibly have been confirmed by the analysis of my blood work."

Both Kirk and McCoy looked at each other, Kirk stunned by how quickly Spock had been to defend McCoy and McCoy surprised by the unguarded praise the Vulcan was giving him. It was both reassuring and yet Kirk knew it also showed there was still some distance between them.

There were two flicks on McCoy's desk's com unit and McCoy slowly stood, "That's our sign. Shall we go?"

Outside the door to the Briefing Room Spock said, "It is best that I enter while you are talking, Captain. I will survey reactions of those present to calculate when we walk in. I believe the those involved will be self-evident although I have no idea as to how they will possibly react."

While McCoy and Kirk walked into the Briefing Room Spock stood outside, nodding to himself how Officer Tylor was there as well as Mister Scott and a few officers from Engineering. He was aware that Kirk had started talking but he was watching the group, mentally eliminating those he had known for some time and studying the degree of attention being paid and the postures of the others. There were two of the newer crew members who kept exchanging glances and with whom he had exchanged words of correction and advice.

His attention was drawn back to Kirk when he heard him saying, "Despite my direct orders that there was to be no action taken to find and return Mister Spock to the ship because of it being a neutral planet Officer Ronat went down to the planet and got savagely beaten on the planet by a security officer. Had we not been contacted by the security officer offering us a chance to locate Mister Spock I would have left him there."

The two officers looked at each other and one gave a slight nod to the other,"Clearly he did not find,"

"You are quite correct, Officer Hallen, but his actions did enable Captain Kirk and Doctor," Spock started to walk towards the officer uncertain what he was feeling as too many of his Human emotions were assailing him at once, " to find me and return me to the ship."

"But, but I saw them put you in the crate. I," whatever he was going to say next was drowned by Officer Tylor and Captain Kirk both yelling as they charged toward the officers and Spock found himself moving to be by the officer and pulling both Kirk and Tylor away.

"What you saw was only a portion of the events."

Spock was not aware that most of the others had been herded out by M'Benga leaving just the seven of them as he only saw the murderous intent on Kirk's face.

"Let go of me, Spock! I am his Captain and I have,"

"Captain Kirk, no matter what he did **he is still a Starfleet officer** and will stand to be judged by others for his actions. You forget he is also responsible for the injuries sustained by Officer Ronat."

"Spock, Officer **Ronat was immaterial**, **he was not WHO I went for**."

Spock looked away from Kirk and at the young officer, "Mister Scott will now take you to a cell but know this, should Officer Ronat not fully recover you will ask for death before I finish with you."

It was only as Mister Scott and a second officer stepped forward and took the two officers away that Spock realized that Tylor was just glaring at Kirk, his hands in fists shaking at his side, "You lied to me, Captain . You lied to my face. You told me Warren was having some private time. I will not tell the others on the ship that you lied but just know I know **you can bold face lie to your crew**. Just know I know you are not the honest man you profess to be." and walked away.

Spock saw Kirk turn to him yet all he could do was turn and walk away. That man was not the James Kirk he had thought of as a friend. That man was a stranger.

As Spock walked away Kirk was surprised when a hand rested on his shoulder, and turned his head to see two blue eyes looking at him, "Rough time with the truth, or were you serious about Ronat being immaterial?"

"I, I, I could have phrased it better, Bones. I didn't mean immaterial but he was not my main concern. Spock will understand when he,"

"When he does what, Jim? When he thinks over how you did not tell him the truth about Ronat from the start? When you withheld information and the truth from him? We are speaking about the same Spock who puts truth and honesty before all else aren't we? The same Spock who most likely believed that that special relationship you two had was based on mutual honesty and trust? Now I may be wrong, and I pray to all the known gods that I am wrong, Jim, but I think that that Spock who just walked out of here is not the one you remember but is the one you now have to work with." Kirk heard the long sigh before McCoy shook his head, "I do not know about you but I am going to miss the Spock I knew before."

" _Before_ ". _**Before,**_ that was it, "The drugs they used. Bones, was there any indication that the drugs they used could have,"

"Jim, they only used a very strong anesthetic, his blood and brain scans were clear and normal. If there had been any change to his thought processes it would have shown when he first spoke with you. Was there any differences then?"

Kirk thought back to when Spock work up,, how his first question had been to ask how they had found him, "No, he was himself."

"Then you need to find out has happened since then that could have changed him and **YOU need to fix it**."

"Bones, I," as Kirk looked at the face of his Chief Medical Officer and his friend he saw the truth. He had destroyed the one relationship that meant more to him that than his own life. "I need to think."

"You go do that. I have a patient to check on before that hobgoblin thinks he is in charge of my patient's care." The hand on his shoulder lightly squeezed again, "You know where I'll be if you want to talk"

Kirk just stayed in the Briefing Room, sitting in a chair and trying to remember when it had started. " ** _The truth_**." It had started when he had not told the truth to Spock about Ronat. No, it had started when Spock had awoken and asked how they had found him. At the time he had not lied, he had just verbally tap-danced around the truth. He should have known Spock wanted the truth, could have handled the truth. He was going to tell him the truth in his own time and his own way so that Spock would see his reasoning but he had heard it from M'Benga. He did not think he would ever forget the look Spock gave him when he walked in and let them know he heard the truth from M'Benga. That look of deep betrayal cut into him and he knew he saw echoes of it every time he looked at Spock. By not treating Spock how he knew he should have, by not telling him the truth he had driven Spock away, back into that distant being he had been when he first met him. McCoy had been right, what they had had was based on not only understanding each other but also honesty and trust and he had destroyed both, he had destroyed what they had had by not thinking about how Spock would have seen and understood his actions. He closed his eyes and bowed his head as the reality of what he had done became clearer, he had lost his best and closest friend, the one being he could truly be himself, he could be just Jim Kirk with with the full knowledge that he was unconditionally accepted as him as him with all his many foibles, flaws and faults. For a moment he thought of what Captain James T. Kirk had lost and realized he had lost not just his best friend but also his best officer and that for twenty-seven days he would have to deal with a total Vulcan who just resembles what he lost.


	7. Chapter 7

Had he been thinking as he walked Jim Kirk would have realized where he was going was the only logical place to go. Apart from going to Spock this was where he went to talk things though, the only other person he felt he could talk to and get back straight answers. He had not paused to assess the situation but had walked right in as he knew Spock would have gone to his own quarters to meditate.

"Bones, I," he stopped as he saw the faintest shadow of the Spock he knew slowly revert to the Vulcan Spock he had first met. McCoy and Spock sat at McCoy's desk sharing a drink, McCoy's alcoholic and Spock some fruit concoction.

For a moment McCoy just looked at Jim Kirk and saw the confusion and pain about his friend. There was just a slight edge to the atmosphere that all three could not help but be aware of. He indicated a third seat to Kirk and got out a third glass, poured him a drink from the bottle of alcohol before handing it to Kirk. McCoy hoped his two friends could find some way to find a way to close the distance that was still between them. He was sure he could understand how Spock felt towards Kirk as he had not believed what Kirk had said and done and he was Human but how could a Vulcan be expected to understand the complexities of being an emotional Human who approached the whole situation of his rescue from a well-meaning, but shocking bad, way of dealing with it? While he could understand Kirk's wanting to shelter Spock at first he could not understand why he had not told Spock the truth. Looking at his two friends he could see both men were hurting, both trying to find a way back, both not sure what to do, and both waiting for the other to make the first move.

Jim Kirk saw understanding in McCoy's eyes along with sympathy and Spock was still in his Vulcan mode. He knew that McCoy was right in what he had said before, he should have given Spock the truth from the start. He should have been honest with him about it all from how he had been when Spock was first taken up to what had happened in the Briefing Room. Spock had said nothing to him since they had left the Briefing Room. Once again it was like his friend had turned into a stranger, a cold and very distant stranger. Not even earlier,when they had briefly stood by Ronat's bed, had Spock acknowledged him apart from his rank. There was something there, something between them that had not been there for since he had got through that blasted Vulcan wall years ago and he was not sure what it really was but he knew he did not like it. It was like some horrendous barrier that would not allow him to even look beyond it and he had not idea how to get through it to the Spock he knew was in that Vulcan. As he looked at his drink he realized that the worst part was that it had all been his doing. His actions and words were largely responsible.

Spock looked at his two, his two what? At one time he would have said friends but he had not felt what he had before towards Jim Kirk. Doctor McCoy had always been honest with him, had understood how important open honesty was to him for many reasons. How Kirk had reacted to the events in the Briefing Room came back to him, what he had said and done solidified in his mind as he looked at the man. When they were beside Ronat and how Kirk had seemed almost afraid to say anything to him or even hold Ronat's hand the way he had with most other injured officers. There was something there, something between them that had not been there for so many years and he was not sure what it really was nor of how to get beyond or through it to what was. He did know that his reactions had some responsibility.

"Now you can tell me it's none of my business but what is it with that twenty percent Ronat has now mentioned twice?" McCoy finally spoke as he looked at Spock.

"It is his way of letting me know he will fight back to get back to what he was before. It is his way of letting me know he has accepted that he may never be totally what he was. I mean no offence, Doctor, but it is something between us."

"No offence taken, Spock. You two are friends, aren't you?"

"I would hesitate to say friends, Doctor, as I have fund that what I was told by my father, that there are many layers to what is termed a friendship, by Humans, is true. I would say we share a lot of familiarity with one another." he would not, could not, say that in his light mind touch with Ronat he had heard Ronat call him a friend. For the five years, ten months, three weeks, and four days he had known and worked with Ronat he had been aware of how totally accepting and non-judgmental the man was and how he did not mind helping out with any project, even after his shift had ended. "I have had a mutually agreeable relationship with him that is based on a mutual trust, honesty, and appreciation of each other's worth as a sentient being. To some that would equate to a friendship and therefore, on reflection, I would say we would be considered friends."

Although the Vulcan had not looked at him Kirk knew what he meant. How could he ever make Spock understand how sorry he was about his actions and words and get him to understand that they seemed right at the time? How could he get Spock to understand what it was like for him to know he was being held against his will, that they knew where he was but had not way to get him? How could he get Spock to understand what he did not understand himself, how he was willing to watch Ronat being most likely battered to death for the chance of finding him? How could he get his so honorable friend to understand why he had said and done what he did when he had not even tried to think of any alternatives? Was there some way he could get Spock to understand what Human emotions could drive a man to do for the sake of a friend?

"Damn, if that wasn't the longest way of saying yes to a simple question." McCoy half-laughed as he looked at the Vulcan and saw how he looked briefly at Kirk, "Now maybe I am speaking out of turn but I think you should know that when that goliath was beating him that monster asked Ronat if he wanted quit and walk away without you Ronat called you his friend. Not senior officer but a friend he would protect and fight for."

Spock gave a short nod, "Warren Ronat would always give a reason for his actions, I found some of them illogical and yet that slightly illogical aspect is so much a part of him."

"Now, again, I may be talking out of turn but from what he has said to me he believes you think of us as friends," McCoy looked first at Kirk then at Spock and smiled as he saw the slight movement of an eyebrow, "despite how illogical we are. Now if you gentlemen will excuse me," he placed the bottle of alcohol before Kirk and the fruit juice before Spock, "I did tell him I would find some soft foods he could try to swallow when he wakes up."

When McCoy left there was an uncomfortable stillness in the room as the two sat, neither sure of what to say or do next. Finally Kirk looked at his First Officer and shook his head, "I'm so sorry, Spock. Sorry for how I treated you, sorry for how I treated Ronat, and if there,"

Spock looked up at him, "What do you mean by how you treated Ronat?"

"I was what we Humans call an emotional wreck when Bones and I came back to the ship after going down to try and get you when we had pin-pointed where you were being held. I had, before we went down, the instructions that there was to be no rescue attempt as it was a neutral planet, that there were to be no heroics, no excuses, and no exceptions and he came up to us, McCoy and myself, and said something about no action being taken and something inside me turned me into a man I do not know, I physically attacked him. I flung him hard against the wall and all but yelled in his face that he was mad."

There was a slight nod as Spock kept looking at him, "So Warren decided to do something." momentarily the Vulcan closed his eyes and looked back at Kirk, "I had thought that if anybody was going to try to find me it would be you. I never thought of him along those lines. For so long I have thought of you and McCoy as my friends and the bridge crew and Ronat as my closest associates. After recent events perhaps I should re-evaluate that belief."

" **I have** , after our first few encounters and time of getting to one another, **always in all ways thought of you as more than my closest friend** , you became **a part of me** and when you were taken I," Kirk closed his eyes and sighed then looked back at Spock, "I lost a huge part of what makes me who I am and what I am. **I felt totally lost and alone.** I knew Bones and the others were there and I was doing my job, but I was an emotional cauldron inside. The only real outward sign of what I was only just controlling inside was when Ronat asked about action being taken and then when they said an officer had not reported back onboard.

"When we were told to go down and see if we had a chance to search for you I did not care what happened to Ronat as long as we got that chance. I, I saw that he was badly beaten, I saw that he was not aware of us being there as all he saw was the man he was fighting, and I helped him up from the floor to keep fighting. When we found you and got you back I wanted to make sure you were fully recovered before you found out about Ronat, about what had happened." Kirk paused for a moment as he saw an eyebrow start to rise, saw the silent question, "I, I had no idea you have the relationship, the friendship, you have with him. I just did not want you to worry about anything."

"So **you deliberately let me believe** he was looking after the Science Department when you knew he could by dying? That he could die?" There was a slight change in the way Spock sat as he clearly remembered their conversation and was becoming annoyed even though he would not admit to the emotion, "You, **you said you would relay a message to him but you never did** , did you? Doctor McCoy told me you only looked at him from the door to the room, that you did not even go up to the bed to let him know he was not alone."

"Spock, I, I," as he looked at the dark eyes looking so steadily at him Kirk found he could not answer as he had said he would knowing he would not do it.

"Over the years I have seen you, Captain, visit other injured officers, seen you hold their hand to let them know they were not alone, to reassure them and yet you did not do it for Ronat. Not only did you keep the truth from me, you also did not do what you told me you would do, nor did you correct me when I believed Ronat was taking care of the Science Department, and you had that unmitigated gall to tell Doctor McCoy that you, you would know when to tell me the truth when he was correct in that I should have, no, **I deserved to hear it from you first not only as your First Officer but as the close friend you claimed I was** . As **I believe a friend would have been honest with me** and told me the truth I am led to assume that y **ou and I have very different ideas of exactly what our relationship really is** and what it means to not only ourselves but to the other as well."

Slowly Spock stood up, but kept looking at him, into him, "If you will excuse me, Captain, I find I need time to reassess my present situation and prepare as much as I can for the future. I will report to the Bridge in time for my next shift."

Spock walked into the room Ronat was in and McCoy nodded as he left, pausing only long enough to say, "He is resting but not asleep. I, I took the liberty to tell him I was sure you would come and see him as soon as you could. You and Jim,"

"Thank you, Doctor, for your usual high standard of care for him. The Captain and I have had a discussion. I will visit with Ronat for a few minutes and then go to my quarters till it is my shift when I will report to the Bridge."

Cautiously Spock placed a hand on Ronat's shoulder, "It is Spock."

"Find who,"

"Yes. Two officers are being held and will face charges. I came to let you know. I find I need time to rest before my shift."

The two eyes looking up at him reflected the pain that the register showed he was experiencing, "The Captain. Doctor McCoy. Both very Human. You have them. Don't lose them. They feared for you. Relief is insane. Kirk was, insane with worry. So tired. Come later?"

"I will see you after my shift unless Docotor McCoy calls for me. You need rest."

A smile briefly seemed to flash at him, "Eighty per cent, tired."

"You rest. I will come back when my shift is over in eight point six one hours."

"Thanks. See you then." Long after he was sure Ronat had gone to sleep Spock kept looking down at him. He slightly shook his head, he had known Warren Ronat to be a good judge of beings and for him to tell him not to lose McCoy or Kirk gave him something to think over. Perhaps there was a reason, a very Human reason he did not fully understand, behind how Jim Kirk had been acting. Gently he touched the side of Ronat's face and promised himself he would thank him for his friendship once he was well enough to comprehend just how much it meant to have him as a friend even if they had never spoken of it. He heard again how he had said, _"Friend. Protect. Serve Fight. For."_ and had fought for him. They would have a long discussion about that, later.

As he walked to his quarters he kept hearing _"Kirk was, insane with worry. Kirk was, insane with worry_." Alone in his quarters Spock thought over what Kirk had said and done since he woke in that crate and in the recesses of his mind he kept hearing Warren's " _Kirk was, insane with worry"_. Worry was an irrational Human emotion. _"Both very Human._ " Yes, he had to admit, Jim Kirk was very Human, could be emotional, but a friend would have told him the truth.

A hand on his shoulder jolted Kirk back to the present. He had let him lapse into all that it had taken to get Spock from behind that protective Vulcan shield. The shield he had made him put up again. He kept hearing the hurt and the truth in how Spock had said, _"I deserved to hear it from you first not only as your First Officer but as the close friend you claimed I was."_

"That blasted Vulcan will take my business from me. Ronat is resting well and there are small indications of improvement."

Kirk looked at McCoy, suddenly hopeful, "Then, then he' ll recover?"

"He is making **some** progress but we only have twenty-seven days and he will need much longer than that. Spock pointed out to me that there was slight movement in his fingers, according to Mister Precise, and I quote, "Warren gave my hand a very slight but most deliberate acknowledgment grip. If he continues to progress as he is then in the twenty-seven days he may be able to talk in more than four word sentences and have controlled movement in his limbs and his hands and feet." McCoy kept looking at Kirk and slowly shook his head, "You will still need to sign him off the ship, Jim."

" _Off the ship. Half my accumulated leave is eighty-seven point six days. I would resign my commission."_ The words seemed to taunt him. Spock had made it clear that if Ronat was signed off the ship he would either stay off the ship with him for those eighty-seven days pr would resign. There was no way Command would keep his position on the Enterprise open for him that long.

Kirk looked at the bottle and his empty glass then shook his head before he looked at McCoy, "As soon as I do that then I will lose Spock. You heard him, Bones. He would go with Ronat ."

" **Can you actually blame him,** Jim? To him a friend would not have done what you did. And, if I am honest, I would feel as he must but I would understand it as I am Human and know what the emotions you were most likely experiencing can make a Human do. I know that he would have much preferred to hear the truth from the start while you and I would be inclined to deal with being saved first. I also know it would have been much better if he had heard it from you first." Kirk saw McCoy close his eyes and shake his head before the blue eyes again looked at him, "I'm so sorry, Jim, but I have no idea how to help you with this. I cannot remember ever seeing him like this before. I cannot remember ever seeing him so hurt on so many levels." McCoy made no attempt to conceal his sigh, "I just have no idea how I can help either of you or even both of you. All I can do it tell you that you will have to make the first move and you better make it soon before Spock has decided that he is safer behind that cold Vulcan logic than daring to let any emotions like love or friendship be shown to you."

"So it wasn't just me? He was shutting just me out? What about the bridge crew and the rest of the crew?"

McCoy heard the plea and the uncertainty in his friend's voice along with the pain and so wanted to not tell him the truth, wanted to tell him all would be well. Gently he placed a hand on his friend's shoulder and squeezed it gently, "He is **not so much shutting you out** , Jim, **he is protecting himself from being hurt any more by you**. By **not** thinking of you as anything but his commanding officer he is able to fulfill his roles as First Officer and Chief Science Officer with Vulcan proficiency and without thinking about how you might interpret to the facts without him making them more easily assimilated by you. It is too early to know how he will be with the rest of the crew, he may find coming out from behind that wall too difficult to keep doing, **even for me**."

"Or Ronat?"

"Too soon to know on that, Jim. You have to know that **he has a different relationship with Ronat** to what he had with you and the res of us. They had known each other longer than Spock has known you."

"I, I think I'll go to my quarters and get some sleep before my next shift."

All the way to his quarters he kept hearing Spock's voice, the pain and hurt in it, as well as the truth. _"I deserved to hear it from you first not only as your First Officer but as the close friend you claimed I was.. I deserved to hear it from you first not only as your First Officer but as the close friend you claimed I was."_

* * *

A/N Long holiday weekend coming up (N.Z. Labour Day) so will be away for a bit as have a busy weekend planned with a gardening session that will take the three days and be a lot of fun if we do not get the rain that is forecast. Thanks for reading - catch up after the weekend. Take care and have fun.


	8. Chapter 8

In his quarters Kirk took care of those few matters he felt he had to deal with and hoped that the coming shift on the bridge would be uneventful and perhaps not as strained as the last one had been. He had been aware of how the others had been far more reserved than usual and it was clear that they were aware of the tension between the two senior officers. Although he knew he had the best ship and best crew in the fleet he also knew that that crew looked to the relationship between the two of them to be strong and united. He did not know if Spock would have been aware of the very Human reaction the differences they were having were brining about in the Bridge crew and would possibly also effect the rest of the crew. He tried to tell himself that if he could get Spock alone he could explain why he did what he did but he knew there had been many times when he had been alone with Spock and not told him. Oh, he had glossed over it, buried the real truth in all those rational and logical reasons but he had not told him the truth he wanted. No, the truth he deserved. There had to be a way to salvage what was still there. Only as he prepared to go to the bridge did he hope his Vulcan friend was still that and would understand not only what he had done but what he had had to just do.

As he prepared to go to the bridge Spock paused and hoped that Jim Kirk could fully understand that he would not, could not, abandon Warren Ronat both for professional and personal reasons. He had thought over what Ronat had said about Jim being insane with worry. That might have explained some of his actions but he had been safe and therefore Jim had no reason to worry when Jim had not been honest with him, when Jim and not told him the entire truth, and when Jim had not corrected him. Although Kirk might deny it Spock knew he was still hiding something from him, he had seen it in how Kirk looked at him and in the way he spoke. It was a barrier in their usual open and honest conversations, it was as though Kirk had things he could not say. At least on the bridge they need not be different, they were two senior officers on the best ship in the fleet with the best crew in the fleet.

Those on the bridge had noticed that something was very strained between Mister Spock and the Captain during the last shift and had speculated as to what it could be and were sure it would be short lived as they had seen similar spells of disagreement before. It had been Uhura who had said what they had all been thinking, that this time it was worse, that there was something the neither of them would speak about but was clearly there between them and they best not try to help as they could make it worse. They had all agreed and were sure that the two had something special between them to be the team they were that nothing could destroy.

They had looked at one another when Spock walked onto the bridge and nodded to each of them in turn before going to his station. They noticed how almost as relaxed as he ever was on the Bridge he appeared and were sure that all was back to normal. He had even done his usual walk around checking each station, commenting on their work, and it seemed all the tension was gone.

The atmosphere had almost been back to normal and even when Captain Kirk had first walked onto the bridge it had been relaxed but when he saw Spock there was a sudden change to the atmosphere as well as Spock's posture when he turned and saw Kirk. While the two men looked at each other the others glanced at one another and the same thought was clear, they still were locked in their private conflict.

Later they would talk about how the shift had been the longest seven and three quarter hours any of them had lived through, how the two senior officers had hardly exchanged any words after Spock had reported to Kirk that all stations reported normal readings and that they were on course and on time. It had almost routine, apart from the tension that nobody commented on but could not not notice.

Then, with only fifteen minutes of the shift left, there had been that transmission.

"Captain," Uhura had turned and looked at Kirk, "a call for you from Command."

Quickly Kirk thanked the gods for a disruption from the tension and boredom, it would be good to do something, anything, other than just rechart the space they had already charted on the way back. He had seen how Spock had not turned but how there had been a slight change in how he stood by the Science Station. Since he had returned he had not once stood where he usually did at his right side but had been over at the Science Station, as though maintaining the distance his actions and words had put between them. Kirk had nodded, "Put it on audio."

"Captain Kirk, this is Admiral L'Pauz."

L'Pauz, L'Pauz, Kirk tried to think what his special area was. He knew he had had no contact with him.

"As Admiral Trason is away on compassionate leave I have been given his portfolio on staffing. So many changes on so many ships at the moment. I am confirming that when you arrive we will have not only your rotation crew but, further to your recent request, also the officer to replace Officer Warren Ronat. We will also arrange for both a First Officer and Chief Science Officer be prepared to either permanently replace or temporarily relieve from Mister Spock as his reasons for assisting Officer Ronat in his recovery are not only admirable but also expected of someone with his known dedication to his principles and those he feels loyalty is due. We will talk when you arrive. L'Pauz out."

Kirk was aware of not only the silence but of how the others on the bridge were looking in Spock's direction. Not wanting to but knowing he had to Kirk turned to look at the Science Station. If he had, before, thought he had seen the Vulcan in Spock he had been wrong, what was before him now was total Vulcan except for the looks perhaps only he saw about the eyes. Total disbelief was all he saw in the eyes.

"Captain, I must go to the Science Department and inform them of this in person. **I must leave**." without waiting to be given permission Spock had turned and left the bridge, left him.

When he looked around the bridge Kirk saw the shocked look on the faces of those around him before they turned back to concentrate on their stations and saw one of the officers Spock had been training step up to the Science Station. Nobody had said a word but Kirk could feel the shock and disbelief around him. Slowly the realization of all that had happened seemed to become real to him. That look he had seen in Spock's eyes had been more than disbelief, it had been like seeing the end of what they had, as though he was looking at the death of something special.

"Sulu, you take her."

As soon as Kirk had left the bridge Uhura looked at Sulu and Chekov and saw the disbelief on their faces as well. "That's not good." Chekov shook his head, "I do not think the Keptin had told Mister Spock what he had done and Mister Spock had not told the Keptin what he would do."

"I think so, too, as I know Spock had a lot of time and respect for Ronat." Sulu let out a long breath, "I don't think many on the ship do not respect him for his willingness to help be it with work or a personal matter and knowing that any help is never talked about. And he has a great ability to laugh at himself to lighten situations."

"I think the best thing for us to do is just be there for both of them and not speculate of what might and might not be." Uhura did not say that she was furious at the two of them acting like children but also knew something very serious had taken place to get Spock back and that the two of them had differing ideas about it and that somehow Officer Ronat was involved and injured.

Not sure how long it would take Spock to tell those in the Science Department of what had transpired Kirk walked quickly to the main labs and stopped when he entered and saw the crew suddenly stand at attention and Officer Tylor walked forward and looked at him, "It is good that you came and saw us, Captain, as you see in person how many officers **will be requesting immediate transfer** off the Enterprise. The reason given will be **your treatment of your officers**. Mister Spock just informed up that Officer Ronat is to be transferred off the ship on your orders and that he will be leaving as well. He was clearly yet unwilling to tell us the exact reasons, which is most unusual for him as **he always has a logical reason for his actions**. Individually all those officers you see here have said they will not serve under any other Science Officer as Mister Spock brings out the best in them even though he does challenge them to their believed limits. I cannot speak for the others but you may find the whole of the Science Department will want to transfer. Losing Officer Ronat we might have been able to accept but not Mister Spock as well."

"Understood." it was all he could say before he walked to Engineering certain that by now Scotty would have been told.

Scotty had looked at him as he walked in, just looked at him for a minute then nodded, "Tis true then, Spock is leaving us?"

"Yes."

"He would have a reason, Sir"

"He does, one that to him is logical and one I can understand."

"Aye, ye may understand it but **ye do not accept it** , do ye? If ye nay mind me saying ye look as though ye think ye are responsible."

Kirk half-smiled at his Chief Engineer as he turned to leave, "I am, Scotty. On so many levels I am to blame for this situation. **This time I, alone, am responsible.** Just get us back on time."

Half-way to the next place he was sure he would find Spock it seemed everything he had said and done since Spock was taken came back and slammed into him. It was as though telling Scotty that he was responsible brought it all back and he saw the many times he could have so easily stopped it. It was as though telling the truth like that made him see how easily he could have prevented it all. Spock had even asked him to " _tell me the truth_." All Spock had done was shown loyalty to a man he had only just admitted was a friend while he had started it all by not telling Spock the truth when he had woken and asked that simple question _"How?"_ and he had not told him the truth. He had told himself that it was okay as long as he did not actually lie to Spock, and he hadn't, he had simply deflected or let Spock believe what he knew was wrong. Spock's life was based on honesty and truth and, no matter how he tried to rationalize it, he had been anything but honest and truthful.

It seemed just finally admitting that he was to blame had freed all the images and what had been said to him came back seeming to push him harder against the wall. He crossed his arms across his chest, closed his eyes and tried breathing deeply and slowly to calm his emotions as the words and images seemed to block out his present world and making him face what he had done to the one being he had thought of as a part, the better part, of himself. It was hard enough hearing what Bones had said but what got to his core were Spock's words. _"I deserved to hear it from you first not only as your First Officer but as the friend you claimed I was.", "that special relationship you two had was based on mutual honesty and trust", "I would resign my commission.", "You deliberately mislead me by failing to tell me the truth, failing to tell me the truth, the truth. "_ Not just hearing the words but, with his eyes even so tightly closed, still seeing the looks on Spock face: the hurt, the pain, the look of disbelief, and the look of having been betrayed by him. He saw the friend he had known disappear into the Vulcan he had first met only instead of that look of total non-emotion there was a look of distrust

He saw the last look Spock gave him, that look of total disbelief on Spock's face before he turned and walked away from the bridge, away from him. Heard him again say, **"I must leave."** before he walked away. Walked away and left him without a second look. Now he heard beyond the disbelief and heard the deep hurt of being betrayed, of a broken trust, of a loss in those three words. Now he heard how Spock had not said he had to leave the bridge as he would usually say but he had been looking directly at him when he said those three words, he had looked at him and said them. _"I must leave.", "the friend you claimed I was.", "resign my commission", "tell me the truth.", "I must leave.", "I must leave."_

Spock had had to leave the bridge before he said what the Human side of him had wanted to say came out of his mouth. He had somehow been able to just contain the sudden and violent upsurge of a cauldron of emotions when he heard that what he had feared had happened. As soon as the probability of Warren Ronat having to go to a special facility had been raised he had contacted not only his mother and the healers on Vulcan and been told they would care for him but he had also notified Command of his intentions for seeing that Ronat got appropriate care on Vulcan and that he had not made up his mind as to if it would be a permanent arrangement. He had seen the surprise on Jim Kirk's face and knew it was because he most likely had not believed he would leave even though he had told him that was his intention should Rotan be removed from the ship. He gone to the Science Department and told them only that Ronat was to be removed from the ship for medical reasons and he would also be leaving to ensure Ronat got proper treatment. He had seen surprise on the faces of the officers and a nod of understanding from Tylor and left them to digest the information and continue with their work.

In Sickbay he had gone to McCoy's room and for a moment just looked at the man, "Did you know the Captain has signed Ronat off the ship? We just heard from Command that a replacement officer is being found."

The flicker of shocked surprise about the blue eyes told the truth before McCoy said, " **Damn!** **Damn him!** I told him he would have to but I thought he would wait, would wait till I had finished **all** my tests. I just told him what it seemed but **nothing decisive**. Hell, for all we know he could yet pass a limited physical,"

"I suggest that we both know that that is unlikely, Doctor. He is so physically damaged,"

"But **not totally** physically damaged and he sure has no brain damage nor mental impairment. Physically he would be able to, to." McCoy looked at his Vulcan friend standing before him and knew he had to say something, do something as he did not want to lose him as Kirk had, plus he knew that deep in the damaged body was a man fighting to get better, fighting to beat the odds, fighting. That was it, "Spock, he would be able to teach our Security people to fight."

"Doctor, I think you will find,"

"That he could verbally instruct them. What you would find, Spock, is that Ronat knows how to fight hand-to-hand against six men, one to two at a time, and take on a seventh and fight in ways that neither the Security Chief there, Jim, or I had ever seen. It was like watching a cross between a feline/canine creature and a humanoid fighting with a whole load of other moves I do not know how to describe."

"He would need to,"

"Be able to describe each move in such detail that the officers could do them, would have to be able to take each move and say what every body part of the officer who performs the move should be doing. He would be able to do that." McCoy rocked on his heels, "If I am not in error we have nobody on the ship who can train in such fighting. It was his unique way of fighting that let us get to you." He could tell from looking at Spock that that Vulcan mind of his was working out ways and means of doing it yet there was something else.

"What is it, Spock?"

When McCoy had asked him the question Spock was thinking of the possibilities yet also knowing that he could not remain on the ship, not after all that Jim Kirk had revealed about what he thought of their relationship, not after all the deception and lack of trust on Kirk's part. He was sure that Warren Ronat would be able to instruct from a medical bed as he had sparred with the man and knew he had a wider range of one-to-one combat than even himself. He knew that McCoy would look after him and that he would miss them but he knew that he could not stay. The Enterprise had been his home for fourteen years and he had served under two Captains but he felt he could no longer serve under Captain Kirk as he realized he did not know the man, did not trust the man.

"I, I would like to be the one to tell Ronat of your proposal."

McCoy had nodded to indicate the room Ronat was in, "He is resting but not asleep. Be good for him to see you."

As he walked into the room Spock was aware of Ronat looking at him. "I have come to tell you that Doctor McCoy has come up with a way to keep you on the ship."

"Too damaged."

"I told you we would work on that eighty percent. It is Doctor McCoy's idea to have to train fellow officers in combat by telling them what to do. Captain Kirk has filed his report to get you off the ship but McCoy's proposal would keep you aboard."

"You be here?"

"No, I **have to leave** but,"

"You and Captain?"

"We are off duty at the moment."

"What?" When Spock looked down he saw from the way Ronat looked at him that he knew something had gone wrong between them.

"We are too different now. It is best for both I leave."

" **No!** Half of whole. Need the other. Logic. Emotion. Vulcan. Human. Two but one. Talk. Hear unsaid. He feel you. You think him. Together one."

"I," Spock started to protest but stopped. It was clear that Ronat had been aware of them before the incident and was basing his words on that. At first he was going to ignore it but perhaps what he was saying had worth. Perhaps both of them had not heard what the other had really said. "I want you to consider what McCoy suggested. I need to talk further with him."

"Talk and listen to Captain, not just hear."

Seeing how Ronat was looking at him, almost seeming to look into him, Spock nodded, "If time allows. I will come back later."

"What did he think of it?" McCoy looked at him as Spock walked into McCoy's office and took the glass of fruit juice that was handed to him.

"He will consider it."

"You tell him you plan to leave?"

"I told him **I have to leave.** "

"And his reaction was what?"

"He wants me to stay. He thinks the Captain and I need to talk and listen to each other."

"And you don't believe that?"

"It is not what I believe, Doctor, **it is what I know**. I find **I do not know Jim Kirk** as I thought I did. The Jim Kirk I knew was always honest with me. The Jim Kirk I knew would discuss with me truthfully matters of concern to himself, the ship, and me. Since my return he has not been honest with me, he has kept matters from me, and he has not told me the truth when I asked questions. **I cannot work with him**."

"Now I fully understand why you are good and mad at Jim for acting as he has, I have tried to get him to understand how it must be for you but he was so concerned about you and extremely frustrated at being so helpless for so long he lost himself in a pool of emotions you could not fully understand, Spock. Oh, you would have some awareness of them and may experience a pale imitation of what he was going through when he knew where you were and how you were and was unable to get to you because of the whole diplomatic situation and it being a neutral planet. And then for Ronat to do what he was unable to do, well, you know what a proud man he is."

"That is all true but **does not explain why he did not tell me the truth when I asked questions**. In all the time I have known him he has never lied to me when I have asked a question. At times I did not like the answer but he was always honest with me."

McCoy saw the pain about his Vulcan friend that was reflected in his voice. He knew that one thing the Vulcan held to was truth. While he could understand to a degree some of Kirk's actions since Spock went missing and returned he could not explain why Kirk had lied as he also had not known him not to be honest, especially with Spock. He was about to say something when Spock had suddenly gasped, put a hand to his head and swayed for a minute looking as though he were about to pass out.


	9. Chapter 9

_"Must leave. The truth. Must leave. The truth_." Seemed to repeat with each beat of Kirk's heart and all he could see was the look of total betrayal on Spock's face. He was totally unaware that he had slid down the wall and was sitting on the floor, hugging his knees to his chest, his head on his knees, rocking back and forth with tears forming rivers down his face, and whimpering, "No, Spock, please don't leave me. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. No, Spock, please don't leave me. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry."

McCoy had quickly steadied Spock as the Vulcan seemed to have momentarily have lost consciousness then looked at him and simply said, "Jim." before running out of Sickbay. In that moment that Spock had looked at him McCoy had seen fear and desperation on his face and although a part of him was greatly concerned about this friend another part rejoiced in knowing that there was a part of the Vulcan that still cared about their friend. Too many times he had seen that look not to know what it meant.

Having lived on the Enterprise for so long and spent so many hours walking around the ship when others were either off the ship or asleep, along with knowing how Kirk was and where he would likely go, it did not take him long to find the seldom used corridor Kirk had started on. He stopped a few feet from the huddled form as he could not believe that quaking form was the same being he had seen confront so many things that would have left so many as empty traumatized shells. He could not imagine this trembling being to be the same man who had stared death in the face so many times with total confidence in what he was doing. Cautiously he reached out and touched a shoulder and quickly withdrew as the eruption of at least fifteen warring raw emotions from the depths of the man was almost more than he could tolerate. He quickly glanced along the corridor and, shielding himself as best he could, picked up Kirk, carried him to a small room with a drop-down bunk, and used his knee to press the knob that lowered the bed. It was he was sitting that he felt Kirk finally move in his arms and suddenly found himself almost smothered with Kirk hugging him and flooding him with emotions that battered at his shields.

Kirk was aware of somebody lifting him and knew the only person who could do so so effortlessly was Spock. He found himself being carried and when he was really aware it was Spock and not something he was imagining he suddenly clung to him, clung to him as one drowning clings to something solid, clung to him as all his emotions finally broke down his control. He was aware he was babbling as he clung to Spock and cried like a frightened child for he still knew that Spock would go, still heard him say, _**"I must leave."**_. He had hurt him too much for him to stay. He did not even try to stop his emotions as he felt angry at himself, defeated knowing Spock would leave him because of his words and actions, insecure as he would be alone, frightened that he would never have the security of such a worthy friend again, deeply sorry for how he had hurt the one being in his life who had given him so much, and he felt most of all like a coward for not being honest with Spock from the start. No, not just honest with Spock but also himself. He felt Spock start to release him and near blind panic seized him as he was sure Spock would leave him. Spock was not one to say he was going to do something and not do it.

When he tried to release Kirk the man suddenly hugged him close and cried against him, "Don't leave me, Spock, don't leave me. I, I am so sorry, so very sorry. **Don't leave me.** **Please. Please forgive me.** Forgive me. Stay. I was so wrong. **I am so sorry.** Forgive me." Slowly he rubbed the man's back and felt the tremors shake him and allowed himself to feel that Kirk was ashamed of how he had acted and was genuinely sorry for his words and actions but, to Spock, that was not enough. There was no logic in it, no reason given for his words and actions. He just sat holding the man and rubbing his back till he gradually calmed and regained control of himself. As soon as he could tell that Kirk was in reasonable control of himself he released him and waited.

Kirk gradually regained his composure and felt Spock stop rubbing his back and release him. A part of him wanted to remain there as he had felt so safe and secure but he knew he had to face Spock, and himself.

When he was sure Kirk was back in control of himself Spock stood in front of him at attention, "I must apologize for manhandling you, Cap,"

" **Don't you dare, Spock!** Don't you dare call me Captain after what just happened and all that led to it."

"But you are, for another twenty-five point eight seven days, still my Captain. I apologize for manhandling you but you seemed to be in distress and in a condition it would not be right for any other member of the crew to find you in. We were most fortunate that this room was close as it would have been awkward to carry you in the state you were in through the corridors frequented by the crew. As to not referring to you as my Captain, what would you have me call you?"

Kirk looked up at the face he knew as well as he knew his own looking for any hint that Spock was joking, or at the very least teasing him but he was being genuine and Kirk was reminded just how badly he had hurt his friend. Slowly he stood and looked at Spock, "For now I do not want you to call me anything. For now **I want you to listen to me.** Me, **me as Jim** and **not** as **Captain James T. Kirk**. Me as your friend and not your commanding officer. I want you to listen to me and hear how very sorry I am for not telling you the truth when you woke up and asked how we found you. I want you to hear and know just how sorry I am for misleading you, and for not correcting you when I knew you had the wrong idea. More than all that I am so very sorry that **I was so very far from** being anything remotely like **the friend you deserve** and **I should have been**."

He saw how intently Spock was looking at him. There was still a lot of the Vulcan there but he could see glimpses of his Spock looking at him. He also saw the one word question about his eyes. It was the one question he had not wanted to face let alone admit to himself and definitely not to Spock. "I, **I was afraid to tell you the truth** , **still am.** I totally disrespected that special friendship we had by not being honest with you, with not telling you the truth from the start. When you asked how we got you it was easier, less painful to me, to tell you only part of what happened, to let you believe that the guard helped us without involving anybody else. I was so afraid if what you would think and feel about me, I did not want you to worry about anything but getting better and by the time you were up to dealing with events **I had ruined what we had**."

Spock had stood looking at Kirk as he had talked, had seen and heard the truth to what he had felt emanating from him earlier. He was aware he was starting to feel some of what he did for Kirk before but what he needed to hear was perhaps too great a step for Kirk to take. Of all the Humans Spock knew he knew Kirk was the one who most hated to acknowledge any weakness in himself. From how Kirk had been looking at him he knew that Kirk knew the one thing he needed to hear, he needed to know and he knew it was what Kirk did not want to talk about. It was such a small interrogative word yet he knew Kirk was terrified of it for some reason. He had known Jim Kirk for some. He stopped, he was actually again thinking of him as Jim Kirk and not as Captain Kirk or the Captain. In all the time he had known Jim Kirk he had **never seen him so frightened to answer the one word question**.

Cautiously he reached out and placed a hand on Jim's shoulder, "I apologize for my reaction to what you said and did, you did not deserve it. I was shocked that you had not been totally honest with me which was something I would never expect from you or associate with you as it is so alien to what we share. **Can you tell me why you said and did what you did?** **I need to understand**."

"I want to tell you, Spock. With all that is in me I want to tell you but **I am afraid** , no, I am terrified to . You won't like the answer. It will drive you further away from me."

"Do you not think I should be the one to decide that?"

"I owe you that but, but," for a moment Kirk looked at the floor slowly shaking his head and was quiet as he did not want to see that look on Spock's face. He did not want to see the look when he told him the truth. He felt a hand gently lift his head so that he looked at Spock and saw the openness was back there. If he answered he knew not only would that look be gone but so would Spock.

* * *

A/N Thanks for reading. Back into the yard for the next few days as the weather may be fine and I need to get the last few summer vegetables planted. Take care and HAVE FUN!


	10. Chapter 10

" **Jim** , what is it?" Although he would never openly admit it Spock was becoming increasingly concerned by Kirk's clearly growing fear stemming from whatever it was he was too terrified to talk about. He had seen Kirk afraid before but **never** like this . Whatever he was so terrified about speaking of was something deep within him. For a moment Spock paused and reflected on the many times he had mind melded with Jim Kirk and he could recall nothing that should, or possibly could, so terrorize him. As he studied the face of his friend he saw how he was fighting whatever was causing him such fear, he could see his friend wanted to tell him yet . . Cautiously he reached out with his hand and mind ready to ease Jim's mind, "If I may,"

As though he had been stung Jim all but lept away, holding up both his hands and backing away till his back was against the wall. " **No, Spock!** You would see that part of me, be thoroughly disgusted, and want nothing to do with me ever again. I am even disgusted with myself. I want you to know but I'm, I'm," Kirk hugged himself, bowed his head and started to rock on his feet as though struggling to come to term with something he was totally torn by, "I'm. I'm, I'm ,", for just three point nine seconds Kirk closed his eyes and Spock reached out, placing his hand at the appropriate juncture of Kirk's neck and caught him as he slipped into a light sleep, placing him on the bed and sitting beside him watching his restless movements even in sleep.

For Jim not to want him to meld with him and for him to be so restive even in sleep let Spock know something was greatly troubling him. Systematically Spock went over the recent events and could find nothing that could have made Jim Kirk change so much, say and do the things he had. It was as though something serious had happened to Kirk in his absence and yet he had not found nor been informed of any such event.

 **No.** No, Warren Ronat had said that Jim was _very Human_ and had been _insane with worry_ and that _relief is insane_. He sat looking as Kirk still twitched in his sleep and repeatedly muttered "Spock, no, I'm sorry, stay.". Some of the recent events seemed more logical now as Jim would have been worried about him and the relief from his rescue could have resulted in Jim's uncharacteristic actions. He would have to ask Jim if that hypothesis was correct. What he still did not fully understand was why Jim would feel it necessary to lie to him, to not be totally honest, and to hide things from him. Perhaps the reason for those actions was what Jim was afraid to talk about although he could think of no reason for such actions by Jim. Despite being as emotional a Human as he was Jim had always been willing to explain himself and his actions and emotions to him. Above all else was the fact that Jim had always been honest with him. This was most unusual.

For a moment he paused. The thought that there was also a possibility that his own reactions had caused Jim to act as he had flickered for a moment yet he was certain that his actions had been logical and consistent: and knew that Jim had started being deceptive from when he had woken in his own quarters and asked how. Even Doctor McCoy had been unable to enlighten him as the report he had given of the events was like Jim's.

" **That** was not exactly fair, Spock." Jim's voice was just above a whisper as he lay looking up at Spock.

"You were becoming overly emotional and almost incoherent because of your inner conflict. Do you feel that you can now tell me what the trouble is, Jim?"

Slowly Kirk got up and paced in the small space as he felt the war inside him was still raging. He dragged his hands through is hair and was not sure what he was going to do till he turned and saw that look on Spock's face, the look of patient understanding and acceptance he had always found there. For a moment he closed his eyes and prayed to the gods that he would see that look after he had told Spock the truth, the whole truth.

"Knowing you were on that planet, that you were being held as you were, and not being able to do anything about it started to rip me apart. My mood was not helped by being informed there was a missing officer and I was going to make an example out of him. I was thinking of just what I would do to him when we were contacted by the Security Chief of the planet, the man guarded the building you were in, saying we should go down and see if we had a chance to look for you and Bones said it looked like we had found our missing officer and he seemed to realize who it was before I did. We got down there and I saw five of the titans sitting on the floor watching, watching, watching," in his mind he saw the blood dripping from Ronat's nose, some blood by his ears, blood and saliva coming out of his mouth, and those predatory eyes." He paused as he again saw the scene in his mind.

A hand lightly touched his shoulder, "Warren Ronat?"

Kirk nodded, "At first I did not recognize him. I do not think he was aware of us there at that time from how he was watching the man he was fighting. Before he fought the Security Chief the man asked him if he wanted to leave, that he could if he wanted but it would be without you. Ronat had a moment of awareness and said, he had to fight for you, protect you, serve you as you were his, his, his."

"Do not distress yourself, Jim, I did a mind touch with him and know what he said." when Kirk looked at Spock sure that he would have found out more but Spock shook his head, "I only **touched** his mind, Jim. I did not garner any information about the fights but I did know he was not aware of you and McCoy being there till after. It was just a touch to reassure him I was there and he was safe and," Spock allowed him to see the hint of a smile, "briefly my Human side sprang forth, I wanted to know if he remembered me, that his brain damage was not too severe."

"And he remembered you?"

"Yes, his mind was not severely damaged. Clearly he won the fight."

"He did and he made a few demands, like the destruction of all evidence of you having been there and telling me to take care of you. We got you back and into your quarters."

"I assume that was your idea as I cannot see Doctor McCoy not wanting me closer. Was a there any other reason for such a decision?"

"It was largely McCoy's idea. He believed that if Ronat was not told about your condition for some time Ronat would hold on, recover a bit more, waiting to find out how you were. McCoy already had his discharge papers ready and was looking for a good facility for him to go to as he was sure there had to be severe brain damage."

"McCoy would be thorough about where he would have gone." Spock looked at Kirk hearing a slight change in his voice. "When did you decide to hide the truth about his condition from me? You did give me a very vague answer when I originally asked how you were able to get me free. Was it then you decided not to tell me about Warren Ronat being involved and the extent of his injuries?"

For an instant Kirk thought of words to avoid the truth but he knew he owed Spock the truth, the truth he had been avoiding. "I, I did not set out to hide the truth. It started with my wanting you to fully recover first and I was going to tell you but after I saw him, after I heard what you thought of him, after knowing what had been done to him to save you, I just thought it best that you concentrate on recovering."

"And you did not correct me when I assumed he was looking after the Science Department."

"I told myself it was to ensure you rested."

A look of sad understanding seemed to claim Spock's face, "You did not want me to know how badly injured he was saving me to start with but you could have told me later. I did hear part of your conversation with McCoy in which you said that you saw Ronay just as a way of saving me. You later said that he was immaterial, even after all he had done to save me you called him immaterial because he was not who you went for. Did you not realize that without him doing what he did you would not have been able to look for me?"

"That's just it, Spock. I see him and I see what he did, **what I should have done**."

"Jim, you could not,"

 **" No!"** Kirk closed his eyes and rubbed his brows with the palms of his hands then looked at Spock, " **I should have**. You are my closest friend and I did nothing to save you. I look at him and I feel so deeply ashamed not only for that but also for how I was feeling when I watched him get into that state, how all I cared about was him lasting long enough to get us the search for you. I saw how battered he was, I saw how he had not real awareness of anything but that man he had to fight, and all I could think of what he had to get us that search. Since we got him back I have only gone to his bed when you and I helped Bones take care of him. I have let Bones tell me how he is. **I should have been the one to get you**. I should have broken as many rules as he did."

"Jim, from what McCoy has told me you would not have lasted against his opponent. Also, had you attempted to fight them and return, with or without me, you would have suffered for nothing and lost your career as it was a neutral planet and you would have engaged in a non-regulation event as fighting the locals in such a manner is against the regulations." Spock looked at him in silence for a moment, "Your signing him off the ship is not so much for his benefit as to remove him from your sight, am I correct?"

"I did it as it is the best for him."

Spock had heard it that slight change in Kirk's breathing as well as his pitch, he was still afraid to tell him the real reason he was so afraid. Kirk was even trying to deflect rather than confront. "You did that, signed him off the ship, knowing that I would not abandon him? **I did inform you** of my intention to leave should he leave the ship."

"I know that, Spock. I, I just did not believe you would leave the ship, would leave me like that until I heard Command had granted you the leave to be with Ronat that I believed it."

That was it, Spock saw the look about Jim and knew this was the moment to say it, to get him to say what the real problem was. "It sounds as though we had different ideas about one another. Just as you could not imagine I would leave the ship and you, I had thought you would **always** be honest with me. It does appear we are both wrong."

Spock kept looking at Kirk, knowing that what he was about to say had to be said as it was the only way to free his friend from the torment he was in. "It also appears that what we both thought was a friendship was nothing more than two senior officers on the same ship for a five year mission. What we have now is a basic working relationship but nothing else for nothing as real as the friendship we had only imagined can not exist if there is any form of deception involved." As he watched he saw he words have the effect he had hoped they would as Kirk was biting his bottom lip and shaking his head. Slowly he started for the door, "I will take my leave of you for now as clearly you are still unwilling to be honest with me."

Kirk saw Spock head for the door and suddenly reached out and grabbed him, turning him so they were face to face. All the emotions he had held in check for so long broke free and the words came he had tried to silence forever came out with the emotion, " **HOW** , how, Spock? How can I possibly be honest with you when I haven't been honest with myself?"

As Spock looked at his friend he saw, about his face, a visualization of the very raw emotions he was only just able to shield himself from when Jim had grabbed him and he just stood still as he knew his friend was going to, at last, be honest with him, and obviously himself, about what was troubling him so much.


	11. Chapter 11

Kirk looked at the face of his friend and saw the acceptance he had always found there until Spock realized he had not been totally honest with him, that he had hidden facts from him, was back. "You see, Spock, **if** I had been honest I would have immediately said  you were right as I signed him off the ship so I was not reminded, reminded of how **I failed you**. Reminded of how **I failed you and he didn't**. First he calls you a friend, then you call him a friend, I saw you two together and saw there was something between that I had lost. I had to get him off the ship to stop thinking of what he did, what I should have done. **I failed you, Spock. YOU ARE MY CLOSEST FRIEND,** somebody I know and trust with all that is me. On so many levels **I ****FAILED ****YOU** and I am sorrier than you can know. If I had been honest you would not leave me, you would stay. **I totally failed you** and I can understand why you feel you need to leave me but, but I,."

Kirk closed his eyes and lowered his head as he took a deep breath then looked back at Spock, "I can't go on being who I am as a man and a Captain without you, Spock. **You** **are** **the better part of me** , you are who makes me and encourages me to be who and what I really am. **I failed you** as your Captain and, far more importantly, as your friend and I have to accept you will leave as you said you would if I signed him off the ship. As much as I hate to admit it I can understand your dedication to Ronat and you decision to leave the ship to ensure he gets proper care. **He did not fail you, I did.** I only hope one day you can forgive me."

Spock stood looking at his friend for a moment, seeing that he no longer had a look of the serious inner turmoil he had had before. Although seemed more resigned and depressed than before but the multiple internal conflicts he had sensed before were gone. "Jim, **there is nothing I need forgive you for** and should, in fact, be asking **forgiveness from you** as, at first, I had allowed my Human emotions to cloud my thinking about you not telling me the truth. It was not until I had taken time to consider all that Warren Ronat said to me that I realized you were dealing with the complications that Human emotions can cause to rational thinking and you were acting emotionally and not rationally."

Kirk smiled and saw the slight lifting of an eyebrow, "The same, Spock, **there is nothing to forgive**. I guess we were both caught up in a mess of illogical emotions. You do have to know that a part of me wants to find any regulation that makes you stay but I know that your actions are not only logical but also the only ones you would take."

"McCoy and I had been talking and came up with a way, one with a very remote possibility of being accepted by Command, of keeping him on the ship. It would take your approval and involve the entire crew."

Kirk sat down and looked at Spock, "You and Bones agreed on something? He did not think your suggestion was,"

"The idea was his, Jim." Spock sat next to his friend and saw the look of surprise on Jim's face, "However, we had the discussion **before** we knew of you signing him off the ship."

"What, what was his idea?" somehow the very thought of Spock agreeing with McCoy on one of McCoy's ideas raised his curiosity.

"That Ronat instruct our crew on his apparently very creative, almost imaginative and instinctive, but highly effective way of fighting. I pointed out to the good doctor that the one problem with his concept is that Warren Ronat has serious physical limitations that prevent him from instructing them but he reminded me that he could tell them how to do it, that once one officer knew the moves they could them instruct others in the set moves and Ronat could correct them as they practiced."

"And **you agreed**?" Kirk still could not believe that Spock would agree to any of McCoy's ideas, especially one that seemed as fanciful as this. There was not way the officer he had seen in that Intensive Care Unit would be able to do what McCoy had said. He had to agree that Ronat's way of fighting was novel and effective but there was no way it would work.

"Yes, I agreed with the viability of his proposal.. I know Warren Ronat better than you and McCoy, Jim. I know that he could and would do it since the alternative is being institutionalized, becoming just another patient in some facility away from those who know him. I also have seen him instruct the younger officers, telling them what to do and giving them reasons for the actions and what alternative actions might be." Spock at looked at him and Kirk could almost feel him looking deep into him, "You and I have both experienced sparring with him so you know that he was aware of our weakness and how he helped us strengthen those areas by just **telling** us and having us try the moves and holds with each other. But," Kirk saw a flicker of sadness as Spock said, "McCoy and I had this discussion **before** we knew you had signed him off the ship. It would have kept both of us on the ship."

"Keep **you both** on the ship?" Kirk's mind started racing on how to fix the situation. He had made this mess he had to fix it, he had to keep them on the ship. He had his Spock back and was not going to lose him, even for the eighty-seven point six days Spock had mentioned as half his accumulated leave and how long he would take to ensure Ronat was receiving good care. He had just wanted to get Ronat off the ship and had not asked McCoy before he sent the message. As he looked at Spock he remembered what he had said and mulled it over, "We do not have any specialist in alternative hand-to-hand combat aboard the ship, do we?"

"No, but, Jim, such specialists are usually kept at Command as they are rare." Spock was silent for a moment as he thought of all the matters that would have to be dealt with establishing such a position on the ship, "You would have to make **a major** correction to your first message and explain the sudden change in your plans."

"I will just explain how I had overlooked the special skills Ronat has that he can pass on to the crew. Come on, we have to go see Bones and get his opinion."

"Jim, I am sure you know it is not that simple to change a report once filed."

Kirk heard the concern he had heard so many times before and had been afraid he would not her again not so long ago and looked at Spock only to see that same concern about his face, "In order to make that correction I have to have a full up-to-date medical report as to the expected availability of the instructor. What I sent was just McCoy's original findings. I also need to hear from those members of the crew who have sparred with him to find out what their thoughts are on his training skills as well as what he has taught them. You would require another officer in the Science Department and Scotty would have to fix up Ronat's quarters."

Spock could not suppress a smile as he realized he had his Jim Kirk back, now all that remained was keeping Warren Ronat on the ship as he knew he would use half his accumulated leave time to go with Ronat and ensure he was in a good facility should he be taken from the ship.

When they got to Sickbay McCoy was in his office and looked first at Spock and then at Kirk and smiled as he could tell they were both back, that things were back to almost normal. "Well, Jim, I have Ronat"s medical papers ready for you to sign off on so that we can get set to take him to Vulcan. I have advised the higher echelon that he will be going to Vulcan."

"Now, before I sign them I need them fully explained to me, Bones, as you know I do not fully understand a lot of medical terms."

"Jim, there is so much to explain about his condition now, his prognosis, the possible treatments, the possible outcomes. Where do you want me to start?"

"With his prognosis and work back from that."

" **Dammit, Jim** , there are, as Spock would say, almost endless possibilities with, perhaps, the exception of a total recovery to how he was before. His progress will be slow, as it is how he can barely move his fingers. He has been having some assisted breathing after meals, his digestive tract and urinary tracts are clear and almost functioning normally, but his overall nervous system and that part of his brain that controls movement of the limbs has been severely damaged and," McCoy looked into the Intensive Care Room and shook his head before briefly closing his eyes and opening them to look first at Kirk and then at Spock, "I am sorry, Spock, but there is no real telling when or if he will regain that control."

Spock looked into the Intensive Care Room and at Warren Ronat as "t _here is no real telling when or if he will regain that control_ " brought back a time when he had heard the same words had been said about the same man only by Doctor Piper. He had been in charge of the scientific exploration of a new planet not unlike Earth and had four officers with him, including Warren Ronat. Although he had heard how three of the four had complained to other officers about his cold detachment, as they called it, and how they had put in for transfers, as so many had done, he had thought nothing of it until they had disregarded his warning about always checking the ground before putting weight on it and they had all been caught in a landslide. He remembered how he had been badly stunned and been aware he had somehow broken his leg which had been splinted, and had watched as Ronat had helped the others clamber back up to a ledge they would reach the top from even as the ground was still slightly slipping. The three had stayed clear of the edge and waited for the help to arrive. Help had arrived three hundred and fifty-six standard minutes after the second slide. The second slide had been when Ronat had grabbed him quickly wrapped a cord around both his arms with his own arm sandwiched between his and said, "You're not leaving me." As they had slid Ronat had deliberately moved so that he was slammed into a protruding rock and wrapped his legs and other arm around it while the ground slid away and he had found himself suspended on a precipice twenty point six one meters above a rocky precipice for those three hundred and fifty-six minutes. He had started to give Ronat and order when and Ronat had said, "With all due respect, Sir, be quiet and stay still." They had been rescued and Ronat had spent four days in Sickbay before Piper had said _"there is no real telling when or if he will regain that control"_. Often he had gone by Sickbay, both while on duty and off duty, and had seen Ronat working on getting getting movement back into this legs and arms. When he returned to the Science Department it was as though nothing had happened, except that Spock noticed how the others seemed to not be so wary around and seemed to follow Ronat's example although none were as willing as Ronat to start a conversation with him or to question him. Also Ronat had always been the one to bring him unusual finds.

A hand on his shoulder brought him to the present, "You okay, Spock? You looked a million miles away."

"In a way I was, Jim. I do, however, have reason to believe that Ronat will recover sufficiently to stay on the ship."

"Now I know you will not admit to emotions but I bet you are saying that as an emotional reaction to what he did. You have to know," McCoy started "That he,"

"What I do know, Doctor, is that twelve years and seven months ago Warren Ronat suffered severe muscular damage, a result of which he was going to be signed off the ship but he managed, almost totally by himself, to retrain his strength and mobility." Kirk looked at McCoy and saw the same thing, this was something they did not know. "What the Captain is not asking is if you believe that what you and I discussed earlier is a viable reality for him?"

"If you mean about training our officers to fight, yes, **most definitely** , once he gets his communications skills back."

"His,"

"Don't get so worried, Spock, it is just you have seen how two to four word sentences with basic words are all he can use at the moment. I believe once we find a less potent painkiller he will regain his rather extensive vocabulary and be able to tell the crew exactly what they should be doing. As to his physical,"

"Doctor, with your assistance I will design an appropriate retraining regime for him so that he may regains as much of his former physical abilities as poss," Spock suddenly stopped talking and just looked in at Ronat.

For longer than he liked Kirk saw Spock just stand quietly looking at the man asleep in the Intensive Care Unit. He had known that Spock had often spoken of Ronat but had not bothered to see how long they had worked together although he had known Ronat was part of the crew when he took over as Captain. He placed a hand on his friend's shoulder, "You okay, Spock?"

"I was just thinking how **arrogantly presumptuous** I have been regarding him."

"What do you mean? You have been thinking,"

"I have been thinking of what **I** would like, Jim. I have not stopped to really think what **he** might prefer, what might be the best for him." Slowly he turned and looked at McCoy, "And I noticed you, Doctor, did not stop me nor tell me that it was **his decision** , is there some **reason** for doing so?"


	12. Chapter 12

McCoy was quiet for a moment just looking at his two friends then at his patient before he walked to his computer and brought up a file, "You both know how all crew have to have on their medical records who they want to make their medical care decisions should they be unable to do so. Read the last two lines of his medical instructions." Kirk and Spock exchanged a look, Spock with his eyebrow slightly raised then walked over to the screen and read.

 _"In the event of my being unable to make my medical care decisions due to any form of permanent or temporary incapacitation I request that Chief Science Officer Spock be designated to make such decisions along with input from both Captain James T. Kirk and Chief Medical Officer Doctor Leonard McCoy. The final decision is to be from Spock."_

Spock turned and looked again at Warren Ronat suddenly aware of how much the man trusted him. Also more aware that he would go with him and stay with him on Vulcan as long as he was needed. As he thought over what he had just read and what he knew about the man Ronat would not want him to give up his role on the Enterprise.

"While we wait for him to wake up I'll have some snacks brought down for us."

McCoy cleared part of his desk and got an extra chair, and a herbal tea for Spock and a coffee for both Jim and himself. By the time he had the chairs and drinks set a young nurse came in with a tray of various snacks that he set on the desk, nodded to McCoy who nodded back, and left. "The lad shows promise, knows how to get the right selection of food and is very handy with vascular cases and assisting with moving heavier patients as well as helping restrain those reacting badly."

"No doubt you will have him well trained in no time, Bones. How long has he been on?"

"Last rotation. He was reluctant to assist with Ronat but we had a talk and it seems he had never seen anybody bloodied and broken when we brought Rotan up from the brig."

Spock suddenly looked from Kirk to McCoy and back to Kirk, "Why was he in **the brig**?"

"When he came back to the ship ahead of us he went there. I, I had said that there was to be no action taken and he must have put himself on report. We had no idea he done that when we first returned with till we saw he was not in Sickbay."

"As soon as we knew he was not there Jim did a ship-wide alert for him and he was found there by Chekov."

Spock nodded, "Understandable as, contrary to many of his actions, he possesses a strong belief in following protocol aboard the ship."

"Now I don't suppose you **want** to elaborate for us what you mean by **aboard the ship**?" Kirk looked at McCoy and saw how McCoy was looking at Spock as he finished his coffee.

"I will give you one example, Doctor. If you recall when we went to Calkaren Four during their civil unrest and a group of officials was burning down a building they said contained contaminants but that we knew contained rare plant finds from the planet, publications they wanted considered subversive, and imported spirits, how they said only authorised personnel could go near it."

"Now wait," it was clear that McCoy was remembering it as was Kirk from the way he nodded at Spock, "That, **that** crate of the best old bourbon I have ever had. He, he **stole it**?"

"I asked him the same question when he presented me with two very rare plants that have proven to be most successful in assisting those planets with very dry soils to be able to grow sufficient indigenous plants to regenerate their forested areas and, unlike many other introduced plants, is easily controlled and contained. His answer was, as I had come to expect, not without some logic in that he stated that the statement authorized personnel **did not specify what authorization was meant** and that he was an authorized member of the crew. So, Doctor, **logically** it was not stolen."

"Why that cunning little,"

"That, that book on," Kirk looked at Spock as he remembered being given a rare book on the early days ships named Enterprise going back to the nineteen hundreds and warships.

Spock nodded, "He came up to me, covered in ashes and very aromatic, carrying a huge and clearly heavy crate saying he had to do something and saying I could put him on report. When I saw what it was I ordered him back to the ship with the crate and told him to go to his quarters after decom and to remain there till I returned. I am aware I should have put him on report but all I did was stand him down for two shifts as he did save something we had not had the opportunity to study although I had heard of such a plant existing, as well as that book and the bottles of bourbon."

"You never thought to tell us that."

"If I recall, Jim, neither you nor McCoy ever inquired exactly how I acquired them."

McCoy and Kirk looked at each other then at Spock with McCoy leaning slightly forward towards Spock, "Let me guess, you kept them **hidden** , waiting till we were well away from Calkaren Four and had all but forgotten what was being destroyed in the uprising we helped prevent turning into an all-out war, and then surprised us with them?"

"They were not hidden, they were in his quarters. It was his suggestion as he said you two would notice them in mine and that I would know when and how to give them to you without him being involved."

Kirk finished his coffee and looked at Spock and nodded, "Like you said, his actions off ship are contradictory to those off ship. You realize if I had known at the time I would have,"

"You would have been any more able to stop him then than you were to stop him fighting for my release?" Spock looked back at Kirk and slightly raised an eyebrow, "Do you **seriously** believe that, Jim? Do you **believe you really could have stopped** him fighting for me short of killing him? He had made his mind up to get something out of that burning building and just, as he later told me, grabbed what I would be interested in and those things of interest to my two closest friends as he knows how difficult I find it to secure appropriate gifts for your birthdays. As for fighting for my release, that is between Ronat and myself to deal with."

A light flickered on McCoy's computer and he nodded as he looked from Kirk to Spock, "He's waking up."

By the time the three had walked up to the bed Ronat was just opening his eyes and they all saw how he relaxed back onto his pillow as soon as he saw Spock.

" **You** okay?"

"Everything is fine now."

They all saw how he slowly looked at each of them in turn then looked back at Spock, "Unfit for duty. Off ship?"

"You are unfit for physical duties."

Ronat closed his eyes for a moment then looked back at Spock, "Thought so. Worth it. Don't blame yourself. Logical."

"What is logical, Officer Ronat, is keeping you on my ship."

"Can't,"

"I have checked with Mister Spock and we do not have a we do not have a specialist in alternative hand-to-hand combat aboard the ship. I saw you fight, I saw your unique way of fighting. I have fought against you in training. I have also personally experienced how well you can instruct just verbally. As long as Doctor McCoy is satisfied with the proposal I intend to keep you on the ship as such an instructor."

McCoy nodded, "I see nothing wrong with the concept as you would still be able to undergo supervised physiotherapy aboard the ship and instruct for set times and set numbers."

When Ronat looked at him Spock could see Ronat was clearly not sure what was really planned. "What the Captain and Doctor McCoy are trying to say is that under proper supervision you, if you wish, will stay aboard the Enterprise as an instructor in hand-to-hand combat utilizing your unique skill sets. At such times as you are not engaged in that I will have you assisting me with some various tasks in the Science Department that do not require any major physical involvement. As your physical well-being improves both areas will involve the appropriate supervision and employment. You do have the option of being signed into a facility that offers more specialization in rehabilitation."

"You say,"

"No, Warren, this is **your decision**."

"Here is **home**. Here is, **family**."

"You understand your new role on the ship as soon as Doctor McCoy says you can start?"

"Instruct no reg combat. Help you. Obey McCoy."

Spock nodded and all four saw the hint of a smile, "And the hardest for you, as it is for me, will be to obey McCoy."

"Must to stay."

For a moment Ronat looked at the three beside his bed then back at Spock, "Triple teamed?

Spock glanced at McCoy and then at Kirk before he looked back down at Ronat. "We seem to work best as a trio when we have a unusual situation or a problem."

"Me a problem?" there was a smile on Ronat's face as he looked at Spock and when Spock remained silent for longer than usual McCoy and Kirk exchanged a look, both knowing there was a silent conversation going on between the two.

"You will be if you do not get sufficient rest. We will go and I will return later with your new roster. I have not forgotten what I said earlier, you and I will work on that eighty percent."

"Thank you, Captain, Doctor, Sir." Ronat looked at Spock, "I will rest. Situation normal."

Spock quickly looked at both McCoy and Kirk then back at Ronat, "Yes, the situation is normal. I **will come back** later."

As the three walked down the corridor to the briefing room Kirk nodded to himself knowing he had his two friends on either side of him, the situation was normal.

 **FIN**

* * *

 **A/N** Thanks to those who took time and read, hope you enjoyed it. Can only vaguely remember writing these back in the 1980's after work. When I have time I will get the next one retyped and up on this site. Take care and HAVE FUN.


End file.
